Dastardly Daddy

Note: I apologize for the length of this post. I considered making it a two parter but decided against it. I hope you find it worth the extra time.

Well I still feel like crap. I didn't plan on posting anything today but sometimes blogging material falls in my lap and I'm a strike while the iron is hot kinda guy. I actually should be doing a meme that Susan tagged me for several days ago (I haven't forgot!) but I think maybe what happened tonight will make for some interesting reading too. I promise the meme will be my next post Queen Bee!

The Daughter is having a sleep over tonight. As I type, I hear them back there giggling and doing whatever ten year old girls do. It kinda scares me because I think I heard them talking about boys. Boys scare me because I'm one myself. I know what boys want. Hence the fear. So I sit in here pretending they are playing with dolls and play-doh like they used too.

Anyways, in my attempt to be the cool dad I always try to do something to make sure The Daughter's friends are comfortable, relaxed, and having a good time. So I hatch a plan to scare the bejeezus outta them. Nothing says comfortable and relaxed like a gut wrenching, scream like Jamie Lee Curtis, evacuate your bowels scare. At least that's my opinion.

The plan is simple. When The Wife goes out to water her garden she will take the brood with her. Catching fireflies is a big deal to my spawn so I know this part will go off without a hitch.

Next, I will secret myself in my daughters closet. Upon their return and I detect the sounds of their innocent play, I will begin with the creepy sounds which consists of small scratches and knocks from my hiding place.

A rookie may attempt a groan or some other such noise but that would be a mistake. My kids are long used to me springing out of unexpected places (I never claim to be a good father) and any human noise would instantly ruin the surprise. Once I know they have detected the sounds and are preparing to investigate, I will spring from the closet, camera in hand, screaming while attempting to catch photographic evidence of their horror (for blogging and later blackmail purposes). That's the plan.

Unfortunately, The Wife decided that she wants to be the cool mom and announced she will hook up a sprinkler for the kids to play in after watering her flowers. This is a huge monkey wrench in my plans. Sprinklers means bathing suits. Bathing suits means changing back into dry clothes once the sprinkler fun is over.

Now a thirty seven year old guy in a closet jumping out to scare a couple of girls is good clean fun, but the same guy in a closet (with a camera no less) and a couple of naked ten year old girls outside, not so much.

So I amend the plan slightly. I will hide in The Boy's closet instead. I'll have to be a bit louder with the creepy sounds but oh well. Once I realize that sprinkler time is almost over, I collect my camera and head off to my boy's room. I make my spot in his closet, shut the door and begin congratulating myself on my evil brilliance. If I had a moustache, here is where I would twirl it.

While sitting there in the dark, I realized it was harder to hear than I anticipated so I decided I should open the door just a crack. I reached up and turned the doorknob to open the door...only to find the doorknob turned a little too loosely in my hand, and the door would not open. "Hmmmm" I thought, "lets try the other way." Same result. I was in a quandary. At this point, I must say I was a bit disconcerted. Ok, let me be totally honest here. I. Completely. Freaked. Out.

I have never known claustrophobia, panic attacks or a conniption but I'm pretty sure I experienced all three at once. Flopsweat, thudding heart, screaming, pounding and yelling for help all ensued. It shames me to admit it but I literally had to get a hold of myself. Once I calmed myself down, I was able to remove the doorknob and open the door.

Here is the closet if you are interested:




No, the irony does not escape me. After all my planning, I had ended up scaring the hell outta myself. Once again karma had decided to take a big bite outta my backside.