Another New Year's Eve

Well, I've made it around the Sun one more time. Like the partymeister I am, I'll be spending the evening celebrating with a mish mash of television (bring on the ball!), computer (nerd bloggers unite!), and I might (if I feel wild enough) throw in some wrestling with the kids. Yep, I'm a wild and crazy guy.


Something else that comes with the New Year is the Sci-Fi channel's Twilight Zone marathon. I love me some Twilight Zone. It reminds me of my childhood (In more ways than one). In the summer when I was growing up, our local PBS channel would air two episodes from 11pm to midnight. Often my mom would watch with me and it was a great time for the two of us.

Speaking of PBS, it's funny to me the little coincidences of life. The most recent entry in my friend, CS's blog is a summation of everything she has written over the past year. She is a great writer so take a look if you haven't already. When I come across a new blog, it's rare that I go back to earlier posts, but rather jump on the ride wherever it is and move forward. After reading her most recent entry, I was intrigued enough to look back. When I came across this entry, I laughed because I would have wagered actual money that I was the only person on the planet who watched the PBS Mystery! series just to see Edward Gorey's opening credits. Turns out I would have lost that bet. By the way CS, Neville was my favorite from The Gashlycrumb Tinies. I don't know why. Victor is a very close second. Anyway, check out her blog.

Happy New Year all!

Haircut II

I was asked for, and promised photo's of my new hairstyle. I hope you enjoy.

This is from about a week ago

This is from about an hour ago

Yup, it turns out I liked the new hairdo so much I decided to do it again. Not so much the look but how dang easy it is to take care of. At least this time it was on purpose! Sorry for the quality of the photo's.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Last night while I was stretched out, reading on the sofa, my wife was sitting behind me on our love seat watching television. I don't know what she was watching, but a report on Jamie Lynn Spears (the pregnant sixteen year old sister of Britney Spears) was on. Don't worry, I'm not going to launch into gossip report or anything but my wife made some comment to the effect of, "What's wrong with that family?" Only halfway listening I answered, "Yea, but we can't say much without being hypocrites can we? I mean we were having sex at sixteen, right?" Big mistake. It became quiet behind me and I'm pretty sure the temperature dropped several degrees. After a pause, my wife said, "Noooooo, WE were not having sex at sixteen. Maybe YOU and your SLUTTY girlfriends were, but some of us did manage to control ourselves until we were a more mature, responsible age."

When my wife and I first started dating, it was agreed that we would not discuss our past relationships in any detail. I've never known it to cause anything but trouble. Over time I've met some of her past boyfriends and vice versa but really, what's done is done. You can't un-ring a bell as they say. Whatever her past, it's the past. My wife, however, has made it clear that she is certain I was some type of man whore in my "wild oats" days. I think part of it is my friends from those days. One in particular was a notorious womanizer. I've tried to assure her the truth is far more tame than she thinks but after last night, I believe the damage is irreversible.

Merry Christmas

The presents are all open, the dinner is gone, all the guests have left, and the annual 24 hour showing of A Christmas Story is done. Christmas is almost over. Actually, by the time I finish typing this it will be over. I'm okay though. Sometimes I fall into PCD (Post Christmas Depression) once all the brouhaha is finished. Everything went as smoothly as can be expected. The kids had a great time, which is really what is most important to me. I spent the better part of the day opening toys, putting together toys, helping my son work his new Transformers, playing Mall Madness with my daughter and...well I'm sure you get the point. I guess most dads around the planet were pretty much doing the same. All in all, a great day. I hope each of you had as good a day as I did. I love this time of the year.

Seven

My friend Sona tagged me with the seven random things meme. Thank you Sona. I'm still feeling pretty shoddy and meme's mean I don't have to think up something to write about. Here we go:

Seven Random Things About Jeff

1) In 22 years of driving, I've never had a speeding ticket, moving violation or been in an accident (touch wood).

2) When I drive, my wife sometimes refers to me as Miss Daisy.

3) I can burp at will.

4) At the moment I type this I'm watching my Washington Redskins pound the Minnesota Vikings. I'm thinking of my friend Dorky Dad (who lives in Minnesota).

5) My favorite color is blue. Specifically the color blue that is the same as the Caribbean ocean. I changed to green for a while but now it's back to blue.

6) I'm on vacation this week. Yay me!

7) Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I'm still not done with all my shopping. Despite the fact I'm coughing like Doc Holiday I have to brave the crowds tomorrow to finish. Nothing like waiting till the last minute.

So that's it. Not really exciting I know but I'm hopped up on cold meds.

For Kid

Dear Kid,

I was not sure what type are your favorite so feel free to take any or all you see here. Everyone else, keep your hands off.....these are for Kid.

Love

Jeff

If anyone is curious, visit Wendy.

Man Cold

I'm worse today than yesterday. It's taking every ounce of energy I have just to type these words. I'm not sure if I'm going to make it till the morning. I think it's quite brave of me to forfeit my health to report these facts to you. I hope you appreciate my sacrifice. Thanks to Scott for sending this clip that I think should be required viewing for all women, or at least my wife.



P.S It's not really that bad but my wife just walked in and made the comment, "Not too sick to play on the computer I see"

Sick Puppy

Yup, it's true. I'm not feeling so well today. It started a couple of days ago with the scratchy throaty, snotty thing that makes you ask yourself, "Am I getting sick?".

I always go into a state of denial and try to convince myself I feel better than I do. I've talked before about the lack of sympathy I get from my wife when I don't feel well. I admit, I'm a wimp when it comes to illness. I expect sympathy, dammit. I demand attention and nurturing! Is there anything wrong with that! The fact is that it's not in my wife's programming so I'm forced to fend for myself.

Having said all that, I'm not in the mood for blogging tonight so this is all you get I'm afraid. I think I would rather hear what you all have to say than think of something myself. So I'm off to visit you guys. I'll try to keep my germs to myself.

Surprise me

I've done most of my Christmas shopping. I still need to get something for my brother and my mom. I also have a few things left to get for my wife. My wife is not an easy person to shop for. She gives me a list which helps, but each year she adds two words to the bottom of the list which fills me with dread. Surprise me.

It's not enough for my wife that I buy her everything on her list. It's important that I buy her something she isn't expecting. I can understand this. She wants to know that I have the ability and knowledge of her to give her something she will love that she didn't know she wanted. In other words, that I've been paying attention to her. The problem is that every year I usually muck it up. Some of the past "surprises" have included a ceramic cow skull, a leather cowboy hat, and a french maid outfit. Ok, I really didn't buy her the french maid outfit. I just wanted an excuse to post that picture.

So today, I'm perusing the Internet looking for surprises. I have a few items I want to run by you guys. Please let me know what you think.

#1 Pole dancing kit. What's not to like. It's a proven fact that pole dancing is great exercise. She could get her cardio while burning calories.
#2 Ropeless Jump Rope . I'm not making this up. Click the link if you don't believe me. I wish I did come up with this idea though. I mean who wouldn't want to pay $60 bucks for something that can be picked up at any hardware store for $1.59. I'm going to borrow on this idea for all my blogging friends. I'm going to give anyone who leaves a comment on this entry a carless car. Just let me know the make and color. Never say I don't love you guys.
#3 Ijoyride. Yea, just what I need. Another device that brings me one step closer to being obsolete to my wife.
#4 Quick Pod Pro Tripod Kit. This isn't for the wife but after seeing it I had to comment. If someone gave this to me I think I would be offended. It's about the same as saying, "Here you go you loser who is so friendless you can't find someone to take your picture." #5 The Zit Zapper. I think we have a winner with this one. I can just imagine the look of surprise and joy on my wife's face as she unwraps this baby. "Finally Honey, something that can take care of your pizza face problems once and for all!" Yes, I think this is the one!

Oh well, guess I'll have to look around a bit more. French maid outfit. Hmmmm...

Note: My wife read this post and after taking a verbal beating I would like to point out there is nothing wrong with her complexion. It looks nothing like pizza, manicotti, spaghetti or any other italian dish. Just FYI.

Ring Ring Goes the Bell

I recently decided it was time to get a ring tone. For years I've made do with whatever the generic ring was that came on the phone. I'm not a complicated man. It doesn't take much to make me happy. It's not that I don't like music either. Quite the contrary, even as I type this, Def Leppard's Pyromania is blaring in my headphones. I just never really cared what sound my phone made to let me know someone was calling.

My wife, however, changes her ring tone to match the time of the year, her mood or outfit. Currently, it's All I Want For Christmas by Maria Carey. Before that it was the Theme from Halloween. At one point it was just the sound of a woman screaming. Boy, did I regret picking up her phone by accident the week it was my turn to do the grocery shopping. I'm quite sure the bloodcurdling screams coming from the dairy section caused some concern to my fellow shoppers.

Anyway, as I said already, I finally got the itch to express my musical taste every time someone called me. Also, I was tired of my daughter rolling her eyes every time my phone rang and looking at me as if I were a dinosaur. So, the question now was what song to choose.

Here were some of the contenders:

China Grove/Doobie Brothers-- Love the guitar on this one. Plus it's tough to hear this one and not feel good.

Sex and Candy/Marcy Playground-- I smile every time I hear this. In college, one of my friends made a similar comment about my apartment with the difference being "I smell sex and pizza".

You Can't Always Get What You Want/The Rolling Stones-- This one's for my kids because of the amount of times I've sung it to them. As in, "Daddy, I want to stay up late tonight!" "Really? Well guess what?, You cant always get what you want". They hate it.

Boys of Summer/Don Henley This is like the anthem for my high school days. Cruising in our cars for chicks. First time drinking beer. First time puking from drinking beer. Sneaking into rated R movies. I also had my first real kiss while this song was playing (don't tell my wife).

I love all these songs but they didn't make the cut for one reason or another. Either they didn't sound very good on my mobile or, as in the case of Boys of Summer, I didn't want my wife to see some strange smile on my face and a wistful look in my eyes whenever my phone rang.

In the end I chose Blue Oyster Cult's Don't Fear the Reaper. I don't know why I picked it. The song doesn't have any special meaning to me other than I think it kicks ass. Oh, and don't forget the cowbell.

New Hairstyle

During my blogging hiatus, haircut time came for my boy and I. Normally a trip to the barber is a family affair which makes controlling Connor much easier. While I get my haircut, The Wife keeps my boy out of trouble. This trip I was flying solo. Since I was trapped in the chair, my boy was free to explore the shop to his hearts content.

I've mentioned before that my son is ADHD. From the moment I sat in the barber's chair, he went wild. Once he tired of spinning in an empty chair, he moved on to playing with the trimmers and trying to get his hands in the "blue water" they store the combs in. I'm yelling the whole time for him to behave, but he takes one look at me trapped in the chair and knows he is immune to justice.

During my remonstrations I realized the stylist was asking questions regarding what kind of haircut I was looking for. Of course, most of my attention was focused on trying to get my son to stop destroying the shop but I answered her questions as best as I could. She commenced her cutting and I continued berating my son. Not too far into my haircut, I realized something was dreadfully wrong, and it had nothing to do with my son's behavior. I realized the stylist was running the clippers repeatedly from the middle of my forehead, across the top and down the back. Now, I normally keep my hair short, but when I realized I was being shaved I was distressed to say the least. I quickly rewound the conversation in my head:

Me: Connor! Stop spinning in the chair!

Stylist: So what can we do for you today?

Me: Now, Connor!, I'm not kidding here! Get off the floor and stop rolling around in other people's hair!

Stylist: Just a trim then?

Me: <to stylist> That's fine. <to Connor> Stop staring at the man getting his nose hair trimmed! It's not polite!

Stylist: Trimmers on the side and scissors on top?

Me: <to stylist> Sure, whatever. <to Connor> Put the hairdryer down!

Stylist: Do you know what size guard you prefer?

Me: <to stylist> Uh, a number four I think. All over <to Connor> That's it buddy, forget Christmas! I'm calling Santa when we get home mister!

Stylist: Really? All over? That would be awfully short.

Me: <to stylist> Just cut my hair please!

And there it was. No one to blame but myself. It was too late to stop what damage had been done. I was getting shaved, like it or not.

Once it was over, I payed my bill (I even tipped her), grabbed Connor and left. Of course, my wife had a great laugh over the whole event. She could not look at me without laughing for quite a while but I can't say I blame her. To be honest, I don't think it turned out too bad. I even had a few compliments about it.

Kill me, please

Let me start off by apologizing to all the ladies out there. There is a chance this post may be offensive to some of you. If so, please know this is only an attempt to educate, not insult.

Tonight, as I sit at my computer my wife sits in our room watching television. We are not speaking to each other at the moment. We had a fight. Here is a slightly abridged version.

Opening scene: Living room. Jeff is sitting on the couch watching television.

<Enter Wife>

Wife: I' m going to the used bookstore

Jeff: Ok

<Wife stands silently looking at Jeff till Jeff looks up at her>

Jeff: What? Need some help carrying some books to the car?

Wife: Nooo----what----I----need---- <remaining dialogue is to be read fast, loud and angry>is-for-you-to-offer-to-come-with-me! Can't-you-just-once-think-of-me! What's-wrong-with-you! Can't-you-tell-I-don't-want-to-go-by-myself!! And-why-are-you-wearing-that-shirt? It's-an-ugly-shirt!

Jeff:<interrupting>----but you bought me.....

Wife:<interrupting> DON'T INTERRUPT ME! WHY-ARE-YOU-CALLING-ME-STUPID!!!

Jeff:<incredulous at the transformation that Wife has undergone> I didn't call you stupid!

Wife: Yes-you-did!!! Yes-you-did!!! Did-you-think-I-didn't-remember-buying-you-that-shirt!!! I'm-not-stupid-and-I-know-you-hate-that-shirt!!!..........

I would like to say it was at this point that I realized what was going on but the "conversation" continued for several more minutes before it began to dawn on me what was happening. The same thing that happens every month. You would think after twenty some years around women I would recognize the symptoms but no, every month it completely catches me off guard. If you haven't guessed already, I'm talking about PMS.

In my limited experience with the female species of the human being, I have managed to make a few observations regarding the whole PMS event. It is my intention to share this knowledge, primarily to any younger male readers who may happen across my blog. Growing up, no one prepared me for this and I would have appreciated a little forewarning of what to expect. Bear in mind I don't have a sister, and my mom had (and fortunately survived) ovarian cancer when I was four. I was completely clueless about all things womanly when I stepped out into the wonderful world of courtship.

The best advice I can give any young man regarding women this:

Pay attention to your woman!

I mean this in every way possible. Pay attention when she is talking to you. Pay attention to what makes her laugh, What makes her cry, what types of food she likes, what her interests are, and what her facial and body language means. I could go on but I think my point is made. Sounds easy right? Well for most men, it's not. We men are built to be single task oriented. What ever we are doing, we focus all our attention to the task. Women have a definite advantage on us here boys, because they are masters of multi-tasking. As I mentioned before, I myself am almost always caught off guard when its that "special time of the month" for my wife. Why? Because I was not paying attention! So, what should you be paying attention for in regards to PMS? Well, I'm glad you asked.

I have noticed there are basically three different stages of PMS. Not every woman goes through every stage and what a given woman experiences one month may change the next. This goes back to paying attention again. So, without further ado:

The Loving Stage- This stage is noted by an upswing in a woman's affection. They are very warm and friendly during this stage. Be warned. It's the calm before the storm so be sure to take full advantage of it. Once it's gone there may be unpleasantness ahead. I've heard rumors there are some woman who never leave this stage throughout all of their "ladies days" but I suspect it's only an urban legend.

The Sensitive Stage- This stage is often marked with an increased amount of "crying for no apparent reason". As long as you catch this stage early it's easy to get through. Generally a little extra attention on your part and all will be well. Comfort foods (chocolate and ice cream) help and you should be very free with the compliments. Negative comments regarding her appearance are a no no and could trigger the next and most lethal stage.

The Why Can't You Read My Mind Stage-Ok this is a real bitch (no pun intended) of a stage. This is the stage where no matter what you do guys, it's wrong. I must confess I have no real idea how best to handle this stage because, as I said before, no matter what you do, it's wrong. Generally a low profile is the best course of action. If a low profile does not work- run for your life. For the record, this is my wife's current stage.

So there they are. I don't claim this to be a complete list, but it's what I've observed throughout my life among the fairer sex. If you take nothing else from my advice, please remember the most important rule regarding dealings with women, always pay attention. Unless, that is, you don't mind your mate turning into this once a month:

Let me state again, I am not wanting to offend anyone here. I respect and admire women for everything they have to deal with regarding their bodies.

One final word. If I'm gone again for an extended period of time, it's likely my wife has found and read this entry. I just want to say thanks to all who have taken the time to visit and I will miss you.

My Kids

I recently bought Photoshop. Yea, I know I'm probably the last person on the planet to get it but I've been able to do ok with the less flashy knocks offs out there. So I have put together my very first slide show. Yea, it's a bit sappy and sentimental but I'm kind of a sappy, sentimental guy.

Britney Spears Spent the Night at My House

OK, not really but after another long absence from posting, I thought it would be a good idea if I opened with a bang. Sorry if any Britney fans get here by accident. Feel free to stick around if you like. I can't promise you will find any photo's of my naked crotch, but you never know.

So it's that time of the year again. Time to drag out the tree, the cheesy lighted reindeer and all the other trappings of Christmas. The kids are going nuts with excitement, of course. My son has studied every toy catalogue at least three times. After showing my wife an extravagant toy he wanted, she made the comment that it was a bit pricey. He replied, "That's OK mama, Santa will bring it!". Being the sucker I am, Santa probably will.

Speaking of Santa, this time of year also means a mandatory trip to the mall to see the old man himself. Normally I'm not a fan of the mall but I must admit I get enjoyment watching all the lunatics rushing about. This year's "Santa" was a dissapointment. His beard was so pathetic it didn't even fool my son. After he made a comment about it, I scrambled to think of something. I was about to launch into something lame about Mrs Claus asking him to shave because the beard scratched her face but it turned out my effort was wasted as he had already provided his own explaination. "He's not the real Santa is he Daddy?" I asked how he knew it was not the real Santa and he explained, "If all the malls have a Santa then they can't all really be Santa, so they must be his helpers." Made sense to me.

As far as my daughter goes, I think this may be the final year she buys into the whole Santa thing. It started last year when she point blank asked me if there really was a Santa. Her doubts were put to rest though when we hired one of those Internet websites to do a "Santa Call" to our house on Christmas Eve. If you have kids and have not done this I highly recommend it. You fill out a questionnaire regarding naughty and nice things your kids have been up to. When Santa started mentioning specific events and names, the look on my kids faces was well worth the price. I regret not setting up the video camera which is a mistake I won't make this year.

**************Additional Information***************

Not much to report regarding my son's condition. We are still in the process of moving him to the school I mentioned previously. We are also trying to get his medication at the correct level to control his ADHT. I really appreciate all the kind thoughts that were sent to me. Now I'm off to visit other blogs and see what everyone is up too.