The Phantom Tollbooth

Paranormal Hype

2010-02-04T00:50:00.005-05:00

No, this is not my "where have I been?" post. It's coming. I'm just going to comment briefly on a movie we watched a few nights ago. "Paranormal Activity". This was a movie that has been compared to "The Blair Witch Project". I'm not going to give a plot summation or even a link to the IMDB site. Yep, I'm that lazy. Everyone knows how to Google these days so if you really are interested, do it.

So here is my two cents. It's pretty much an hour and a half snooze fest. It's filmed in a first person point of view (ala Blair Witch) as one of the characters attempts to document their haunting with a video camera and other electronic equipment. It almost feels like watching an episode of "Ghost Hunters" It's predictable with a pace that even a sloth would consider slow. The characters behave stupidly (we have a demon in our house so let's take care of it ourselves and do EXACTLY what the one "expert" tells us NOT to do!") and pretty much....well, I don't want to spoil it so I'll stop here.

Having said that, it has one of the single most terrifying scenes in a movie I've watched in a long time. I'm not sure if it really was that frightening or, if by the time it came, my senses were so dulled by the rest of the movie almost anything would have made me scream like a little girl (which I did). I probably should watch it again to be sure but even as I type about it I'm getting chills.

So, in my opinion, if you enjoy the genre you should watch this movie just for that scene. I don't agree with all the hype that surrounded this movie. It certainly wasn't the most scary movie I've ever seen. Movies usually don't stick with me long but damned if I still don't see that scene sometimes when I close my eyes to sleep at night. I guess it wasn't too bright of me to write this review before bed, huh?

Hello out there

2010-01-14T23:35:00.001-05:00

Am I back? Who knows...

Nazi Zombies! Run!!!

2009-02-06T08:20:00.002-05:00

I really wish I had thought of this...Thanks to my friend Linda for sharing.

Is this typical of husbands?

2009-02-01T17:01:00.000-05:00

Earlier today I went to the fridge to get a drink and noticed an open can of soda on one of the shelves. Since I wasn't very thirsty and no one in our house is currently sick, I took a sip. I immediately regretted my decision since it was flat and nasty. A few hours later I was working on our floors (We are in the process of refinishing our hardwood floors-more to come on that later) when from the kitchen I heard my wife say, "BLECH!!!". I immediately knew what had happened and realized I must have put the flat soda back in the fridge. I swear, I didn't do it intentionally.

Remember in the Terminator movie when a guy comes knocking on Arnold Schwarzenegger's door asking why his room smells like a dead cat? Then the camera view changes to show what the Terminator sees along with a list of possible replies such as:

I'm sorry.
Go away.
Leave me alone.
Fuck you asshole.

Well I operate in a similar manner. After I heard my wife's exclamation of "BLECH!!!" my Terminator screen displayed the following option of possible replies:

What happened?
I'm sorry Honey, I did the same thing and should have thrown it away.
Must have been the kids.
I heard on the news some sicko is running around leaving flat sodas in people's refrigerators.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Sucks to be you!

Obviously I should have chosen the second option but I didn't. Instead I ignored them all and said nothing. I'm not proud of my decision but I had no other option. It's how they programmed me.

Illegal use of the scrotum

2009-01-27T21:32:00.003-05:00

No matter what people say, sometimes it really is better to give up than keep fighting.

Back to school

2009-01-25T20:44:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow will begin my third week back in college after a small (uh..20ish year) break. So far, so good. Initially I felt very out of place being surrounded by so much youth but I'm making new friends each day and am finding my way. Other than a comment made in jest by one of my new friends about being born the year I graduated high school, I don't feel nearly as old as I thought I would.

I'm not officially in the Radiography program yet. There are a limited number of available slots so I guess I should work on a backup plan should I not get admitted. I've reconnected with some old friends via facebook who work for the local hospitals and I'm trying to see if any of them have any pull at my college. At the very least, I would like to spend some time with a Radiographer. Part of the admittance process is an interview with the department head and I would like to sound like I know at least a little about radiology.

Tomorrow is my first test so I guess I should stop playing on my blog and get back to studying...

Hot, young, chicks

2009-01-09T21:32:00.006-05:00

I will officially be back in school Monday after an almost twenty year break. Today I hit the campus bookstore to pick up my textbooks. My wife decided she wanted to tag along to check out the school with me. I've been a few times before to talk to advisors, sign up for classes, etc. and each time I felt very out of place. I'll be 40 this year which or course is over twice the age of most of my fellow students.

I normally don't have much of a wandering eye (hey, I'm still a guy) but it seemed to be an extraordinarily high number of attractive college girls out there today. I was wise enough to keep my thoughts to myself however. It didn't take long for my wife to notice though and she said something to the effect of, "I bet it's going to be rough on you being surrounded by all these hot, young chicks." Now normally I use humor to diffuse a tense situation but something about the look in her eyes told me to tread very carefully. I replied, "Once you've had one nubile twenty year old goddess, you've had them all...and that's my intention...to have them all!" No, I didn't actually say that. I'm here typing this, right? I assured her I had no interest in anything other than studying which seemed to make her happy.

Surprise me

2008-12-21T17:51:00.001-05:00

I was going to do my second annual post on a surprise Christmas gift for my wife when I found this and didn't have the courage to look any further.

My wife is strange because she expects me to buy her gifts based solely on how well I know her. Sure, she gives me a list but it's what I buy that she didn't ask for that can mean the most. Bear in mind I've only known her for sixteen years. Silly woman.

I started my search online (what husbands would do before the Internet is beyond me) and was beginning to get a little discouraged. Sure, I was finding some great gift ideas, but nothing blogworthy. Just as I was about to give up, I found the Sasi. Wow. Last year the ijoyride caused me some concern regarding the future of men. Now, there is the Sasi. Not only does this thing "do as it's told" (0:39) it also has the ability to remember what she likes (0:49). Add in a "mow the grass" and "tell her she is pretty"feature and it's all over for us fellas.

There is also a demonstration by a woman identified as a "Sex Advocate/Model". Don't get too excited guys, she is fully clothed. I only mention it because I got a chuckle from her "Sex Advocate" label. I was not aware of any club for pro-sex people. Does this mean there is an anti-sex group out there somewhere? If so, they must be a sad, lonely group of people.

To my wife's credit, after viewing this she looked unimpressed and said "That thing couldn't even come close to doing what you do for me."

**While work safe I should give an "mature content" warning due to subject matter. There is also the aforementioned demo by the "Sex Advocate"**

Dickens of a Christmas

2008-12-17T21:10:00.013-05:00

I love this time of the year. I know the holidays are tough for many people but I'm lucky to say I had a great childhood for the most part. Many fond memories come bubbling up this time of the year for me. I hate to sound cliche but it has nothing to do with receiving gifts. It's not that I don't like getting presents, I do. I just prefer a gift for the sake of giving rather than someone feeling obligated to get me something because it's "that time of the year." I also feel guilty when I see the amount of consumerism going on when so many have so little (or nothing at all). I'm not innocent either. I spend an obscene amount on my kids. Well, obscene to me especially considering our household is down to one income. Anyway, I digress.
Our town holds an annual event known as "Dickens of a Christmas". Parades, dog costume contests, horse drawn carriage rides, and people in Victorian garb are all a small part of the experience. It's always great fun and the kids love it. I get that magical Christmasy feeling that reminds me of being a kid. It's always packed but most everyone seems to have the Christmas spirit and there is little of the rudeness that often accompanies large gatherings of strangers.
This year, my kids, wife, a friend of my daughter's and I attended. The weather was clear but brutally cold. I prefer the cold though. Christmas would not be the same with warm weather. We watched the parade till we lost feeling in our fingers then sought refuge, food and warmth in one of the many downtown restaurants. After dinner we mingled with other shoppers among the street vendors selling their goods in my town's market square. It was a great night.

More action than a frat house bathroom

2008-12-11T09:26:00.008-05:00

Well the bug that bit my daughter made it's rounds through the rest of the family. Our toilet has seen more action than a frat house bathroom the morning after a party. Everyone has recovered nicely though, I'm happy to say.

Other than pukefest '08 there has not been a lot to report. I've been thinking an update on other members of my family is overdue.

My son Connor, diagnosed with Klinefelter's syndrome last year, is doing remarkable. He is on the honor roll which considering his learning disabilities is quite an accomplishment. He constantly surprises me with his intelligence, mainly due to the fact that he is my offspring. We still just about have to force feed him since his medication affects his appetite. He looks emaciated to me but his doctor says all is well.

My daughter, Mikayla is struggling with school. I think puberty is part of the problem. Boys (ugh-filthy littlr beggars) are becoming more of a presence in our house. It also doesn't help that she is so beautiful. The good news is she seems to completely oblivious to their all too frequent (to me anyway) attention. Last year, a modeling agent in New Jersey informed us they want to sign her. We've been dragging our feet a bit since we really aren't sure if this is a good idea or not. Financially it could be a great opportunity but I already think she is growing up too quickly. I think I was still playing with toys at 11, hell, I still play with them only now I have a son so I don't look so much like a dork. She has been past toys for at least a year. Electronics and clothes are where it's at now. She also knows all about Santa (Waaaaah!).

My wife is still working in the same job, but she is allowed to work from home now. I set her up an office and she is in there now as I type this, working diligently. Since I am unemployed that means we spend more time together than we have in years. Since she sometimes reads my blog, I'll say no more on that subject.

Since it's that time of the year, I think I'll close with a posting of my favorite Christmas song. Merry Christmas everyone.

Cleaning is the ugly part

2008-11-30T21:45:00.007-05:00

Last night, at around 2 am my daughter woke up barfing. Eight hours and a couple sets of sheets (and underwear) later it was over. My wife can't handle barf so it fell to me to do the work of comforting/cleaning. Comforting includes cold dishcloths for her forehead, rubbing her shoulders and telling her everything is going to be fine. I don't think I have to explain the cleaning part. I also don't think I have to explain that cleaning is the ugly part. I wouldn't go so far as to say I enjoyed it but it's all part of being a parent.

Don't ask me why I'm posting about barf.

Maybe I'll try the sink next time

2008-11-29T20:10:00.008-05:00

The other day my wife and I noticed our german shepard Arwen has been looking a little thin. My wife made the comment, "Maybe you aren't feeding her properly." Never one to resist sarcasm I replied, "Well, I've been putting her food in her bowl but maybe I'll try the sink next time." Have I mentioned how much my wife appreciates my sarcasm? Anyway, it reminded me of this clip from "Man Stroke Woman". Enjoy. Oh, and for the record...she didn't find this funny either.

***This one is a bit graphic with gore (but still work safe). Apologies to any who viewed before the warning!***

Frodo, Bilbo and me

2008-09-27T21:25:00.006-04:00

It's my birthday...again. I've been around the sun thirty nine times. Okay, I'm a little late posting since my birthday was September 22 but oh well. At least I'm posting again, right?

September 22. Some of the lesser events that have occured on the day of my birth include:

It's usually the day of the Autumnal Equinox

Nathan Hale is hanged for spying during the American Revolution (1776)

Slavery in the United States is abolished (1862)

The first issue of National Geograhic is published (1888)

The first live coast to coast sporting event is broadcast (football, Duke vs. University of Pittsburgh,1951)

In addition to these events, I also share the birthday with other notable people (notice how I include myself as notable?) but I'm too lazy to look them up. Instead I'll just mention two. Frodo and Bilbo Baggins. Yep, it's true. Look it up if you don't believe me. I've always thought it a little special I shared the day with two of my favorite literary figures. I even found out I shared their birthday on my birthday. When I was about 13 or 14 my parents bought me a set of The Lord of the Rings for my birthday.

This year, I went out with friends to a local mexican restaurant and then downtown to one of the local hot spots. It was one of the best birthday's I've had in a while.

In a nutshell

2008-09-15T23:35:00.005-04:00

I was going to post where I've been and what I've been up to these days but it's too much and some of it too private. So to sum up...

I'm still dropping weight (60ish pounds so far) and smoke free. I've made a ton of new friends and reached out to some old ones (I'm still coming to visit you Scott, I promise!). Oh, that reminds me...recently I joined Facebook to look up said old friends and without meaning to, I sent a spam out to everyone on my contact list. I apologize to any who still visit here who may have been targeted who didn't appreciate it.

The kids are growing like weeds and make me prouder every day. More on them to come in future posts.

So, now that we are all caught up I guess I can get back to posting...

If you are going to cheat, make sure your girlfriend doesn't know your passcodes

2008-09-15T21:24:00.003-04:00

This advice was given to me by a customer today. I didn't push her for details so use your imagination.

The blogger who cried wolf?

2008-09-14T19:36:00.001-04:00

Okay, I know I've said I'm back before but I really mean it this time. Seriously. I'm not kidding. Okay, so if you don't believe me I'll just have to prove it to you! More to come...

Dinner & a movie (and a lot of spring cleaning)

2008-04-20T12:15:00.017-04:00

Finally, we have warm weather. I decided it was time to get busy cleaning up years of messes that I was too fat and lazy to accomplish previously. I had mentioned in an previous post (that I'm too lazy to link) that I had a new shed to replace my old crappy shed. That meant tearing down the old crappy shed. I also mentioned in a previous post (yup- too lazy to link that too) that there is a room in my house so full of clutter I couldn't walk in it. I'm proud to announce that the room can now be safely entered without fear of over stacked brick-a-bracks, tidbits or thingamajigs crushing someone to death. I still too embarrassed to post a photo but maybe when it's all done I'll submit a before/after thingy.

I also rented some movies and had a gourmet meal of fat-free hot dogs, fat free chips and light beer. Fat free is big in my life now. I'm really surprised how my palate has adjusted. I don't think I realized just how much until we celebrated my wife's birthday with a meal at our local Mexican restaurant a few days ago. I threw caution to the wind and ate anything and everything I wanted. It was almost as good as sex. My wife said it even sounded like I was having an orgasm after my first bite.

The movies I watched were Walk Hard and Dan in Real Life.

Walk Hard is a comedy that follows the career of Dewey Cox, a Johhny Cash-like musician. It's from the makers of Superbad, Anchorman, and The 40 Year-Old Virgin. I really didn't care for Walk Hard but there was this hilarious scene with the "Beatles":

Dan in Real Life was good. I like Steve Carell and it was nice to see him branch out a bit from his usual "moron" character. It's about a widower raising his three daughters. He meets a woman he falls for only to learn she is already dating his brother. It's pretty good for a chick-flick. This is one my favorite scenes. His family has just found out his mom has set him up with a local girl who has the unfortunate nickname of "Pigface". His brothers decide to have a little fun at his expense...

Addendum: After reviewing this post, I noticed I also forgot to mention I'm repainting our house. Yeah, I'm a cleaning/movie watching/painting dynamo.

You learn something new...

2008-04-15T22:24:00.007-04:00

I was not sure but either I was going insane or my computer had developed an interesting virus. It seemed each time I logged onto the Internet the font and pages were slightly larger than before. For several days I really began to question if maybe something was wrong with my eyesight or I was just imagining it. I've been under a lot of stress so I definitely was not ruling out insanity.

About five minutes ago I was chatting with my brother who is also our family's computer guru (do all families have one of those?). I nonchalantly mentioned to him what was happening and he said, "Oh, you must have Ctrl/scrolled. Hold your control button and scroll your mouse." Problem solved. Not insane. No viruses. Immensely relieved.

Poor Sonic

2008-04-09T21:06:00.000-04:00

I don't think of myself as a violent person. I don't own any firearms. I would guess the most dangerous weapon in my house would have to be my daughter's softball bat. The last fight I remember being in was back in the sixth grade and as I recall I was soundly beaten...by a girl. So to say I am an expert in matters of the martial arts would be an exaggeration.

I mention all this because of an article in the news I happened across today. It seems that in New Zealand a man decided that he needed to cause bodily harm to another person. I don't know why but I do know his weapon of choice was... A hedgehog.

I don't have any comment here really. I don't know why he chose a hedgehog as a weapon. I only hope the poor creature was already dead at the time of the assault. What really caught my attention more than anything else in this article was the line:

"While using a hedgehog as a weapon in an assault is uncommon..."

Only Uncommon? Not unheard of? Not unprecedented? but merely uncommon? This has happened before? I don't know why I am surprised. After travelling around the sun thirty eight times I should have seen enough lunacy from the human race that this would be no shock. It is now even more apparent to me that we will use anything we can get out hands on to hurt each other.

A little comfort?

2008-04-07T20:14:00.000-04:00

One of my co-workers was having a rough day. I put my arms around her to offer a little comfort and she completely broke down. I'm talking about body-racking sobs for several minutes. I held her till she was done and we talked a bit afterward till she felt better. Later, I wondered if I had not hugged her, would she have kept it together. Did I make a mistake? Did, by trying to offer compassion, I cause the breakdown and ultimately embarrassment? She is a close friend and I know she was not bothered by breaking down in my presence, but I'm sure others in the office heard.

Condolences

2008-04-07T19:27:00.000-04:00

My friend Van over at FuriousBlog lost his father over the weekend. I'm so sorry for your loss brother.

Changes

2008-04-06T23:20:00.000-04:00

"There've been times that I've thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come "

-Sam Cooke

I've made a few changes in my blog layout. I want to send thanks out to my friend Citizen for helping me with my banner (it only took me 3 months to use what you taught me....Ha!)

It seems change has been the theme of my life lately. The weight loss and smoking are just the tip of the iceberg. I've decided to change several things that I don't like about myself and my life. I don't know how much I'll divulge here but a change in the flavor of my writing may be noticed.

Me

2008-04-05T11:02:00.006-04:00

Since we last talked, I've had a few changes in my life. Two of my proudest:

Lost forty pounds
Quit smoking (three months so far)

Some of you who have been following my blog know I was dangerously overweight. I'm still a little heavy, but I am finally on the path to better health. I estimate by my birthday (September) I'll be where I want weight wise. I'm doing it the old fashioned way. Exercise and a complete change in what I eat.

About the same time I started losing weight, I also quit smoking. I was never a heavy smoker, only about a half a pack a day, but I'd never been able to break the habit. I was told by many people I was crazy to try to quit smoking and lose weight at the same time but its been three months now. I'm finally getting to the point where I almost go a complete day without thinking about a cigarette. Yay me!

Not Dead

2008-04-04T23:16:00.001-04:00

In case you were wondering. More to come.

Dogs can't look up

2008-01-20T13:16:00.000-05:00

Today was another lazy Sunday. I did get a few projects done. A few weeks back my German Shepard Arwen broke the glass in our basement door so that was the first order of business. We have a dog hating neighbor who has complained to the police on a couple of occasions about Arwen's barking. Because of this, we can only let her out when we can keep track of the noise she is making. I had intended to build a privacy fence around our backyard but with recent events I can't afford the costs now. It bothers me that such a large dog is trapped most of the day in our basement and if we can't make changes soon, I am going to have to find her another home. It would break my heart (and the kids), but it's just not fair to her.

Something else about Arwen. She is terrified of cameras. I try to limit taking her picture so I don't stress her out but after I snapped this one I was reminded of that line from Shaun of the Dead about dogs not being able to look up. If you haven't seen it yet, its a hilarious move. Their followup, Hot Fuzz, is likewise a riot.

I also stripped our vacuum cleaner today and washed it's filters. As I was doing this, my wife was clipping our dogs. This was not a good combination of projects since we have to wait for the filters to dry before we can use the cleaner. So until tomorrow we have a carpet full of dog hair.

Wow, I can't believe I'm actually writing about cleaning my vacuum cleaner. I really need some warm weather.

The Phantom Tollbooth-Video Blog?

2008-01-14T23:34:00.001-05:00

I've been messing around with video editing and here is a snippet I taped the day after Christmas. Yes, that's yours truly you hear saying, "Brang it uuup closer Buuud" Yeesh...sometimes my southern accent even catches me off guard. The other voices you hear are my brother (who also gives a nice view of his narrow backside) and Connor. I thought some of you may like to hear the voice behind the blog. Isn't that car the coolest thing ever? Christmas gift from Nana (my mom).

Dead-beat dad

2008-01-13T19:05:00.000-05:00

Despite the fact I have a gazillon half-finished projects around the house, I decided to take the weekend off. Stress levels have been high, and while home improvement is usually therapeutic for me, I just could not get motivated. There was still plenty to keep me busy though. My daughter had a friend over Friday night and a birthday party at the local skating rink Saturday.

Growing up in a small town with limited entertainment options in the late seventies, you might think I would have an intimate knowledge of the skating rink but the truth is I don't. Sure, I've been a few times but it's just not something I ever was all that in to. Taking my kids was great though. They have learned to skate from many daycare trips and I was surprised how good they are. I have to admit though, it was watching the other skaters that gave me the most pleasure. Especially the adult men. I didn't realize the mullet was still a fashionable coiffure. My favorite were the men who were trying desperately to be cool who were not the most proficient skaters. I don't care how much you try, but when you skate jerking like a crack addict three days since his last fix, cool goes right out the window. I regret that I forgot to take my camera.

Sunday (today) was a bit more relaxed. I was pleased to see there was a Monk marathon on, so for most of the day I've been watching television which is something I haven't been able to do in while. For the record, I did exercise today so I wasn't completely useless. I'll be glad when the warm weather returns and I can get outside again. For the most part I enjoy cold weather but around this time of year I start to fall into a funk. Oh, and no...that is not me in the photo.

My Little Man

2008-01-08T20:33:00.000-05:00

Yesterday marked the beginning of Connor's second week in his new school. The first few days were a bit rough.....for me, not so much him. I've always had a hard time with change.

Already I see improvement in his school work. He also seems happier since the change (unlike myself, who would be running around screaming like a madman). On the other side of the coin, we are having issues with his medication. We have been through the diarrhea, vomiting and (currently) the appetite suppression phase. Connor has lost enough weight that I can see his ribs more clearly than I would like too. His doctor has told us it will pass and his appetite will return but it's tough seeing my little man looking so gaunt. I'm having to use every trick I can think of to bribe him to eat. I was told to try some PediaSure.

PediaSure advertises itself with "Kid Approved Taste". I would like to know what kid on this or any other planet approved the taste of this stuff. I would hate to think what it tasted like before it had been approved.

As before, Mom has been beyond awesome. She keeps him three days a week, and while I miss him horribly I know it's good for him. It's also good for my daughter. I'm sure all the extra attention he is getting is tough on her. With him at my mom's, I'm able to get in some important daddy-daughter time. We are letting her have a friend stay over this weekend which is probably her favorite thing in the world. I have to admit, I have a pretty good time with the sleepovers myself. I'm already plotting my attack.

The end of Neverland

2008-01-03T08:27:00.001-05:00

The Wife has decided it's time to makeover the nursery. I guess since my youngest is now seven, I really shouldn't even be calling it a nursery anymore. I'm upset just thinking about it. I still have vivid memories of spending a week painting those clouds over the walls and ceiling. I spent several more days painting the ocean. I remember leaving the room each evening with paint splattered all over me. It reached a point I didn't even bother trying to clean it off since the next morning I would be right back at it. It's not really the work I did that will soon be under several coats of paint that's bothering me. It's the thoughts, hopes and dreams I had while doing it. Will she be a healthy child? What will she look like? Will she have my eyes? Will she like the clouds? Will she lie in bed at night and dream of flying among them? and the one question that scared me to death... Will I be a good daddy?

The nursery is now my son's room. Soon I'll be painting over those clouds and that ocean. They are going to be replaced with a jungle and dinosaurs. I know I'll have fun doing it, and this time I'll be able to let them help and it will be a good family time. But I already feel sad at the thought of running my brush over the sky of hope and ocean of dreams I created all those years ago.

Another New Year's Eve

2007-12-31T19:04:00.000-05:00

Well, I've made it around the Sun one more time. Like the partymeister I am, I'll be spending the evening celebrating with a mish mash of television (bring on the ball!), computer (nerd bloggers unite!), and I might (if I feel wild enough) throw in some wrestling with the kids. Yep, I'm a wild and crazy guy.

Something else that comes with the New Year is the Sci-Fi channel's Twilight Zone marathon. I love me some Twilight Zone. It reminds me of my childhood (In more ways than one). In the summer when I was growing up, our local PBS channel would air two episodes from 11pm to midnight. Often my mom would watch with me and it was a great time for the two of us.

Speaking of PBS, it's funny to me the little coincidences of life. The most recent entry in my friend, CS's blog is a summation of everything she has written over the past year. She is a great writer so take a look if you haven't already. When I come across a new blog, it's rare that I go back to earlier posts, but rather jump on the ride wherever it is and move forward. After reading her most recent entry, I was intrigued enough to look back. When I came across this entry, I laughed because I would have wagered actual money that I was the only person on the planet who watched the PBS Mystery! series just to see Edward Gorey's opening credits. Turns out I would have lost that bet. By the way CS, Neville was my favorite from The Gashlycrumb Tinies. I don't know why. Victor is a very close second. Anyway, check out her blog.

Happy New Year all!

Haircut II

2007-12-30T20:16:00.000-05:00

I was asked for, and promised photo's of my new hairstyle. I hope you enjoy.

This is from about a week ago

This is from about an hour ago

Yup, it turns out I liked the new hairdo so much I decided to do it again. Not so much the look but how dang easy it is to take care of. At least this time it was on purpose! Sorry for the quality of the photo's.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

2007-12-28T15:46:00.000-05:00

Last night while I was stretched out, reading on the sofa, my wife was sitting behind me on our love seat watching television. I don't know what she was watching, but a report on Jamie Lynn Spears (the pregnant sixteen year old sister of Britney Spears) was on. Don't worry, I'm not going to launch into gossip report or anything but my wife made some comment to the effect of, "What's wrong with that family?" Only halfway listening I answered, "Yea, but we can't say much without being hypocrites can we? I mean we were having sex at sixteen, right?" Big mistake. It became quiet behind me and I'm pretty sure the temperature dropped several degrees. After a pause, my wife said, "Noooooo, WE were not having sex at sixteen. Maybe YOU and your SLUTTY girlfriends were, but some of us did manage to control ourselves until we were a more mature, responsible age."

When my wife and I first started dating, it was agreed that we would not discuss our past relationships in any detail. I've never known it to cause anything but trouble. Over time I've met some of her past boyfriends and vice versa but really, what's done is done. You can't un-ring a bell as they say. Whatever her past, it's the past. My wife, however, has made it clear that she is certain I was some type of man whore in my "wild oats" days. I think part of it is my friends from those days. One in particular was a notorious womanizer. I've tried to assure her the truth is far more tame than she thinks but after last night, I believe the damage is irreversible.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T23:54:00.000-05:00

The presents are all open, the dinner is gone, all the guests have left, and the annual 24 hour showing of A Christmas Story is done. Christmas is almost over. Actually, by the time I finish typing this it will be over. I'm okay though. Sometimes I fall into PCD (Post Christmas Depression) once all the brouhaha is finished. Everything went as smoothly as can be expected. The kids had a great time, which is really what is most important to me. I spent the better part of the day opening toys, putting together toys, helping my son work his new Transformers, playing Mall Madness with my daughter and...well I'm sure you get the point. I guess most dads around the planet were pretty much doing the same. All in all, a great day. I hope each of you had as good a day as I did. I love this time of the year.

Seven

2007-12-23T23:00:00.000-05:00

My friend Sona tagged me with the seven random things meme. Thank you Sona. I'm still feeling pretty shoddy and meme's mean I don't have to think up something to write about. Here we go:

Seven Random Things About Jeff

1) In 22 years of driving, I've never had a speeding ticket, moving violation or been in an accident (touch wood).

2) When I drive, my wife sometimes refers to me as Miss Daisy.

3) I can burp at will.

4) At the moment I type this I'm watching my Washington Redskins pound the Minnesota Vikings. I'm thinking of my friend Dorky Dad (who lives in Minnesota).

5) My favorite color is blue. Specifically the color blue that is the same as the Caribbean ocean. I changed to green for a while but now it's back to blue.

6) I'm on vacation this week. Yay me!

7) Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I'm still not done with all my shopping. Despite the fact I'm coughing like Doc Holiday I have to brave the crowds tomorrow to finish. Nothing like waiting till the last minute.

So that's it. Not really exciting I know but I'm hopped up on cold meds.

For Kid

2007-12-21T21:33:00.000-05:00

Dear Kid,

I was not sure what type are your favorite so feel free to take any or all you see here. Everyone else, keep your hands off.....these are for Kid.

Love

Jeff

If anyone is curious, visit Wendy.

Man Cold

2007-12-20T22:13:00.000-05:00

I'm worse today than yesterday. It's taking every ounce of energy I have just to type these words. I'm not sure if I'm going to make it till the morning. I think it's quite brave of me to forfeit my health to report these facts to you. I hope you appreciate my sacrifice. Thanks to Scott for sending this clip that I think should be required viewing for all women, or at least my wife.

P.S It's not really that bad but my wife just walked in and made the comment, "Not too sick to play on the computer I see"

Sick Puppy

2007-12-19T20:19:00.001-05:00

Yup, it's true. I'm not feeling so well today. It started a couple of days ago with the scratchy throaty, snotty thing that makes you ask yourself, "Am I getting sick?".

I always go into a state of denial and try to convince myself I feel better than I do. I've talked before about the lack of sympathy I get from my wife when I don't feel well. I admit, I'm a wimp when it comes to illness. I expect sympathy, dammit. I demand attention and nurturing! Is there anything wrong with that! The fact is that it's not in my wife's programming so I'm forced to fend for myself.

Having said all that, I'm not in the mood for blogging tonight so this is all you get I'm afraid. I think I would rather hear what you all have to say than think of something myself. So I'm off to visit you guys. I'll try to keep my germs to myself.

Surprise me

2007-12-16T18:24:00.000-05:00

I've done most of my Christmas shopping. I still need to get something for my brother and my mom. I also have a few things left to get for my wife. My wife is not an easy person to shop for. She gives me a list which helps, but each year she adds two words to the bottom of the list which fills me with dread. Surprise me.

It's not enough for my wife that I buy her everything on her list. It's important that I buy her something she isn't expecting. I can understand this. She wants to know that I have the ability and knowledge of her to give her something she will love that she didn't know she wanted. In other words, that I've been paying attention to her. The problem is that every year I usually muck it up. Some of the past "surprises" have included a ceramic cow skull, a leather cowboy hat, and a french maid outfit. Ok, I really didn't buy her the french maid outfit. I just wanted an excuse to post that picture.

So today, I'm perusing the Internet looking for surprises. I have a few items I want to run by you guys. Please let me know what you think.

#1 Pole dancing kit. What's not to like. It's a proven fact that pole dancing is great exercise. She could get her cardio while burning calories.
#2 Ropeless Jump Rope . I'm not making this up. Click the link if you don't believe me. I wish I did come up with this idea though. I mean who wouldn't want to pay $60 bucks for something that can be picked up at any hardware store for $1.59. I'm going to borrow on this idea for all my blogging friends. I'm going to give anyone who leaves a comment on this entry a carless car. Just let me know the make and color. Never say I don't love you guys.
#3 Ijoyride. Yea, just what I need. Another device that brings me one step closer to being obsolete to my wife.
#4 Quick Pod Pro Tripod Kit. This isn't for the wife but after seeing it I had to comment. If someone gave this to me I think I would be offended. It's about the same as saying, "Here you go you loser who is so friendless you can't find someone to take your picture." #5 The Zit Zapper. I think we have a winner with this one. I can just imagine the look of surprise and joy on my wife's face as she unwraps this baby. "Finally Honey, something that can take care of your pizza face problems once and for all!" Yes, I think this is the one!

Oh well, guess I'll have to look around a bit more. French maid outfit. Hmmmm...

Note: My wife read this post and after taking a verbal beating I would like to point out there is nothing wrong with her complexion. It looks nothing like pizza, manicotti, spaghetti or any other italian dish. Just FYI.

Ring Ring Goes the Bell

2007-12-14T22:42:00.000-05:00

I recently decided it was time to get a ring tone. For years I've made do with whatever the generic ring was that came on the phone. I'm not a complicated man. It doesn't take much to make me happy. It's not that I don't like music either. Quite the contrary, even as I type this, Def Leppard's Pyromania is blaring in my headphones. I just never really cared what sound my phone made to let me know someone was calling.

My wife, however, changes her ring tone to match the time of the year, her mood or outfit. Currently, it's All I Want For Christmas by Maria Carey. Before that it was the Theme from Halloween. At one point it was just the sound of a woman screaming. Boy, did I regret picking up her phone by accident the week it was my turn to do the grocery shopping. I'm quite sure the bloodcurdling screams coming from the dairy section caused some concern to my fellow shoppers.

Anyway, as I said already, I finally got the itch to express my musical taste every time someone called me. Also, I was tired of my daughter rolling her eyes every time my phone rang and looking at me as if I were a dinosaur. So, the question now was what song to choose.

Here were some of the contenders:

China Grove/Doobie Brothers-- Love the guitar on this one. Plus it's tough to hear this one and not feel good.

Sex and Candy/Marcy Playground-- I smile every time I hear this. In college, one of my friends made a similar comment about my apartment with the difference being "I smell sex and pizza".

You Can't Always Get What You Want/The Rolling Stones-- This one's for my kids because of the amount of times I've sung it to them. As in, "Daddy, I want to stay up late tonight!" "Really? Well guess what?, You cant always get what you want". They hate it.

Boys of Summer/Don Henley This is like the anthem for my high school days. Cruising in our cars for chicks. First time drinking beer. First time puking from drinking beer. Sneaking into rated R movies. I also had my first real kiss while this song was playing (don't tell my wife).

I love all these songs but they didn't make the cut for one reason or another. Either they didn't sound very good on my mobile or, as in the case of Boys of Summer, I didn't want my wife to see some strange smile on my face and a wistful look in my eyes whenever my phone rang.

In the end I chose Blue Oyster Cult's Don't Fear the Reaper. I don't know why I picked it. The song doesn't have any special meaning to me other than I think it kicks ass. Oh, and don't forget the cowbell.

New Hairstyle

2007-12-12T22:18:00.000-05:00

During my blogging hiatus, haircut time came for my boy and I. Normally a trip to the barber is a family affair which makes controlling Connor much easier. While I get my haircut, The Wife keeps my boy out of trouble. This trip I was flying solo. Since I was trapped in the chair, my boy was free to explore the shop to his hearts content.

I've mentioned before that my son is ADHD. From the moment I sat in the barber's chair, he went wild. Once he tired of spinning in an empty chair, he moved on to playing with the trimmers and trying to get his hands in the "blue water" they store the combs in. I'm yelling the whole time for him to behave, but he takes one look at me trapped in the chair and knows he is immune to justice.

During my remonstrations I realized the stylist was asking questions regarding what kind of haircut I was looking for. Of course, most of my attention was focused on trying to get my son to stop destroying the shop but I answered her questions as best as I could. She commenced her cutting and I continued berating my son. Not too far into my haircut, I realized something was dreadfully wrong, and it had nothing to do with my son's behavior. I realized the stylist was running the clippers repeatedly from the middle of my forehead, across the top and down the back. Now, I normally keep my hair short, but when I realized I was being shaved I was distressed to say the least. I quickly rewound the conversation in my head:

Me: Connor! Stop spinning in the chair!

Stylist: So what can we do for you today?

Me: Now, Connor!, I'm not kidding here! Get off the floor and stop rolling around in other people's hair!

Stylist: Just a trim then?

Me: <to stylist> That's fine. <to Connor> Stop staring at the man getting his nose hair trimmed! It's not polite!

Stylist: Trimmers on the side and scissors on top?

Me: <to stylist> Sure, whatever. <to Connor> Put the hairdryer down!

Stylist: Do you know what size guard you prefer?

Me: <to stylist> Uh, a number four I think. All over <to Connor> That's it buddy, forget Christmas! I'm calling Santa when we get home mister!

Stylist: Really? All over? That would be awfully short.

Me: <to stylist> Just cut my hair please!

And there it was. No one to blame but myself. It was too late to stop what damage had been done. I was getting shaved, like it or not.

Once it was over, I payed my bill (I even tipped her), grabbed Connor and left. Of course, my wife had a great laugh over the whole event. She could not look at me without laughing for quite a while but I can't say I blame her. To be honest, I don't think it turned out too bad. I even had a few compliments about it.

Kill me, please

2007-12-10T20:09:00.000-05:00

Let me start off by apologizing to all the ladies out there. There is a chance this post may be offensive to some of you. If so, please know this is only an attempt to educate, not insult.

Tonight, as I sit at my computer my wife sits in our room watching television. We are not speaking to each other at the moment. We had a fight. Here is a slightly abridged version.

Opening scene: Living room. Jeff is sitting on the couch watching television.

<Enter Wife>

Wife: I' m going to the used bookstore

Jeff: Ok

<Wife stands silently looking at Jeff till Jeff looks up at her>

Jeff: What? Need some help carrying some books to the car?

Wife: Nooo----what----I----need---- <remaining dialogue is to be read fast, loud and angry>is-for-you-to-offer-to-come-with-me! Can't-you-just-once-think-of-me! What's-wrong-with-you! Can't-you-tell-I-don't-want-to-go-by-myself!! And-why-are-you-wearing-that-shirt? It's-an-ugly-shirt!

Jeff:<interrupting>----but you bought me.....

Wife:<interrupting> DON'T INTERRUPT ME! WHY-ARE-YOU-CALLING-ME-STUPID!!!

Jeff:<incredulous at the transformation that Wife has undergone> I didn't call you stupid!

Wife: Yes-you-did!!! Yes-you-did!!! Did-you-think-I-didn't-remember-buying-you-that-shirt!!! I'm-not-stupid-and-I-know-you-hate-that-shirt!!!..........

I would like to say it was at this point that I realized what was going on but the "conversation" continued for several more minutes before it began to dawn on me what was happening. The same thing that happens every month. You would think after twenty some years around women I would recognize the symptoms but no, every month it completely catches me off guard. If you haven't guessed already, I'm talking about PMS.

In my limited experience with the female species of the human being, I have managed to make a few observations regarding the whole PMS event. It is my intention to share this knowledge, primarily to any younger male readers who may happen across my blog. Growing up, no one prepared me for this and I would have appreciated a little forewarning of what to expect. Bear in mind I don't have a sister, and my mom had (and fortunately survived) ovarian cancer when I was four. I was completely clueless about all things womanly when I stepped out into the wonderful world of courtship.

The best advice I can give any young man regarding women this:

Pay attention to your woman!

I mean this in every way possible. Pay attention when she is talking to you. Pay attention to what makes her laugh, What makes her cry, what types of food she likes, what her interests are, and what her facial and body language means. I could go on but I think my point is made. Sounds easy right? Well for most men, it's not. We men are built to be single task oriented. What ever we are doing, we focus all our attention to the task. Women have a definite advantage on us here boys, because they are masters of multi-tasking. As I mentioned before, I myself am almost always caught off guard when its that "special time of the month" for my wife. Why? Because I was not paying attention! So, what should you be paying attention for in regards to PMS? Well, I'm glad you asked.

I have noticed there are basically three different stages of PMS. Not every woman goes through every stage and what a given woman experiences one month may change the next. This goes back to paying attention again. So, without further ado:

The Loving Stage- This stage is noted by an upswing in a woman's affection. They are very warm and friendly during this stage. Be warned. It's the calm before the storm so be sure to take full advantage of it. Once it's gone there may be unpleasantness ahead. I've heard rumors there are some woman who never leave this stage throughout all of their "ladies days" but I suspect it's only an urban legend.

The Sensitive Stage- This stage is often marked with an increased amount of "crying for no apparent reason". As long as you catch this stage early it's easy to get through. Generally a little extra attention on your part and all will be well. Comfort foods (chocolate and ice cream) help and you should be very free with the compliments. Negative comments regarding her appearance are a no no and could trigger the next and most lethal stage.

The Why Can't You Read My Mind Stage-Ok this is a real bitch (no pun intended) of a stage. This is the stage where no matter what you do guys, it's wrong. I must confess I have no real idea how best to handle this stage because, as I said before, no matter what you do, it's wrong. Generally a low profile is the best course of action. If a low profile does not work- run for your life. For the record, this is my wife's current stage.

So there they are. I don't claim this to be a complete list, but it's what I've observed throughout my life among the fairer sex. If you take nothing else from my advice, please remember the most important rule regarding dealings with women, always pay attention. Unless, that is, you don't mind your mate turning into this once a month:

Let me state again, I am not wanting to offend anyone here. I respect and admire women for everything they have to deal with regarding their bodies.

One final word. If I'm gone again for an extended period of time, it's likely my wife has found and read this entry. I just want to say thanks to all who have taken the time to visit and I will miss you.

My Kids

2007-12-08T18:39:00.000-05:00

I recently bought Photoshop. Yea, I know I'm probably the last person on the planet to get it but I've been able to do ok with the less flashy knocks offs out there. So I have put together my very first slide show. Yea, it's a bit sappy and sentimental but I'm kind of a sappy, sentimental guy.

Britney Spears Spent the Night at My House

2007-12-04T19:52:00.000-05:00

OK, not really but after another long absence from posting, I thought it would be a good idea if I opened with a bang. Sorry if any Britney fans get here by accident. Feel free to stick around if you like. I can't promise you will find any photo's of my naked crotch, but you never know.

So it's that time of the year again. Time to drag out the tree, the cheesy lighted reindeer and all the other trappings of Christmas. The kids are going nuts with excitement, of course. My son has studied every toy catalogue at least three times. After showing my wife an extravagant toy he wanted, she made the comment that it was a bit pricey. He replied, "That's OK mama, Santa will bring it!". Being the sucker I am, Santa probably will.

Speaking of Santa, this time of year also means a mandatory trip to the mall to see the old man himself. Normally I'm not a fan of the mall but I must admit I get enjoyment watching all the lunatics rushing about. This year's "Santa" was a dissapointment. His beard was so pathetic it didn't even fool my son. After he made a comment about it, I scrambled to think of something. I was about to launch into something lame about Mrs Claus asking him to shave because the beard scratched her face but it turned out my effort was wasted as he had already provided his own explaination. "He's not the real Santa is he Daddy?" I asked how he knew it was not the real Santa and he explained, "If all the malls have a Santa then they can't all really be Santa, so they must be his helpers." Made sense to me.

As far as my daughter goes, I think this may be the final year she buys into the whole Santa thing. It started last year when she point blank asked me if there really was a Santa. Her doubts were put to rest though when we hired one of those Internet websites to do a "Santa Call" to our house on Christmas Eve. If you have kids and have not done this I highly recommend it. You fill out a questionnaire regarding naughty and nice things your kids have been up to. When Santa started mentioning specific events and names, the look on my kids faces was well worth the price. I regret not setting up the video camera which is a mistake I won't make this year.

**************Additional Information***************

Not much to report regarding my son's condition. We are still in the process of moving him to the school I mentioned previously. We are also trying to get his medication at the correct level to control his ADHT. I really appreciate all the kind thoughts that were sent to me. Now I'm off to visit other blogs and see what everyone is up too.

On a more serious note

2007-10-17T19:45:00.000-04:00

The last month has been hectic. Those few who actually read my nonsense and commented on what's up with my lack of posting, here's some of what's been going on.

Mostly, my life has been a mix of homework, cheerleading, homework, karate, homework, cub scouts, homework, a couple of camping trips, and homework. That alone would not be enough to keep me away from my blog though. I love blogging. I think its cathartic putting my rambling thoughts out there for the world to see. No, the main reason for my absence has been my son.

Those who have been reading my blog since it's earlier days know that back in early June my son was diagnosed with Klinefelters syndrome. We have always suspected him to be ADHD and he has always had problems with his speech both of which can be related to Klinefelters. It was the testing for ADHD that uncovered his condition.

Since my post back in June, Connor has been through a series of more tests. Without going into the long boring details of the results, the bottom line is that we have decided to move Connor into a private school. It's going to be a killer financially (Almost the equivalent of sending him to college every year) but from the research we have done over the last month, it's going to give him the best chance for his future. Something we discovered from the testing is that Connor has a learning disability that will make normal school much more difficult for him to handle. He needs more personal attention than a classroom of thirty other kids can provide.

My mom has been a HUGE help to us during all this. I can't begin to thank her for everything she has been doing for my little man. She kept him three nights last week to give us a rest. While she was playing with him, something happened that absolutely broke my heart. Suddenly, in the middle of playing with my mom, he stopped and asked, "Nana, do I talk funny?". Later, when I asked who told him he talked funny, he told me some of the kids at school were taunting him by singsonging "Babytalker!...Babytalker!...Babytalker!". Ouch.

The Wife has been taking all this pretty hard. What free time I have, I've been spending with her. So I've been a bit negligent on my blogs. Things seems to be stabilizing a bit now and I hope to be able to post more often than I have been. I'll also be around to visit all my friends blogs soon, I promise!

Cats, Cats and more Cats

2007-10-13T19:43:00.000-04:00

After two posts in a row (with a slight delay between the two) you might think I'm done with the whole cats thing for a while, right? WRONG! It seems that the cat gods have decided that as punishment for having previously disliked cats, I am now to be deluged with them. I thought by rescuing not just one, but two cats from imprisonment the cosmic scales would be balanced. I was wrong. The cat gods must be a vengeful and unforgiving group. So what am I talking about?

Earlier this year I got a new shed for my yard. The arrival of my new shed meant removing the rusted metal piece of crap old shed. The thing is, removal of the old shed would require physical work which means sweating. I hate to sweat. I guess I might not mind sweating if I were normal. The problem is I seem to have not sweat glands, but sweat weapons of mass destruction. I'm not kidding here. I could work up a sweat in a meat freezer. Have you ever seen the movie Airplane? Remember how sweat was pouring like a river down Robert Hayes face while he was landing the plane? There you go.

In order to limit the loss of vital bodily fluids, I decided to wait until the cooler weather of Fall to remove the old eyesore shed. About four weeks ago, I stepped outside and took a look at the shed and saw something that made me look twice. Kittens. Four kittens to be exact, rolling and playing right in front of my old shed. I was not really surprised since our neighborhood is full of feral cats.

I had earlier noticed a cat hanging around the old shed and even with my limited reasoning ability I deduced she must have chosen it as the place to have her kittens.

Several cans of cat food later and Mom Cat was tame enough to allow us to stroke her and handle her babies. Unfortunately, about two weeks after we found them, Mom Cat disappeared. Since I highly doubt she would leave the food we were giving her, I assume either something tragic happened, or she fell victim to one of the many cat traps our town has placed throughout my neighborhood. Either way, we found ourselves the caretakers of four kittens.

So that's where we are now. There are a grand total of six cats in my life now. No, we will not be keeping the kittens in case you are wondering. We have already put the word out and I hope they're adopted soon. Each day the wife and kids are getting more attached. They have already named them. OK, I admit it. I getting attached to the little furballs too. Anyone want a free kitten?

My Cats (Part Two)

2007-10-05T23:18:00.000-04:00

The next Saturday we headed off to the SPCA (notice how I pretend there hasn't been over a month gap since my last post?). For my wife, going to an animal shelter is traumatic. All those animals in their cages is hard for her to handle. I sometimes suspect if not for me, she would become one of those people that sometimes pop up in the news found dead in their homes with dozens of cats and/or dogs running about. I'm joking, but she does get very upset seeing those poor animals in their cages.

It didn't take long before the wife and kids had picked out a friendly black and white. My brother told us it's a good sign if a cat will allow you to hold it on it's back and rub his belly without freaking out. On a side note, I'm pretty much ok laying on my back while someone rubs my belly. I'm not sure if that's a good sign in humans though. So I picked him up, flipped him over and started rubbing. He laid limp in my arm and if not for the purring, I might have though him dead. It was good enough for me.

We paid the fee, filled out a bazillion forms, received a complementary cardboard cat carrier and took him home. Of course, we had to stop by the pet store on the way to spend about a hundred bucks on essentials.

So that's how Sylvester (or Silly-Vester as my daughter calls him) became part of the family. With the exception of the occasional stalking and pouncing on my poor thirteen year old terrier Max, he's a good cat. He is such a good cat that it didn't take much convincing from the wife and kids to get a buddy for Silly-Vester. After another trip to the shelter, Merlin joined the family.

My Cats (Part One)

2007-08-23T21:42:00.000-04:00

My friend Dorky Dad has tagged me with the Eight Random Things meme. I'll get around to it soon but after I read his version (which I think is absolutely brilliant), I realized I haven't blogged enough about my cats. If you are hoping for haiku though you can forget that right now. I have a hard enough time just stringing regular sentences together let alone poetry. (I submit my last post as exhibit A. I actually cringed when I re-read it).

My cat story begins withg my dad. My dad hated cats. He was not the type of person who would ever intentionally hurt an animal (*cough*Michael Vick*cough*), but there was no way we were ever going to own one.

I think his hatred started back before I was born when he built a sandbox for my then toddler brother. The neighborhood cats decided that what my father had actually done was build them a very large litter box. To make it worse, it was not my dad who discovered the cats were using the sandbox but my brother. As a dad, I can understand the rage he must have felt upon finding my brother sitting in the sandbox, covered in cat shit, arms raised proudly holding two large fistfuls of feline excrement. There was no turning back after that. My dad was an avowed despiser of cats for the rest of his life.

I guess many times bigotry and prejudice are passed down from the parents and my father's anti-cat sentiments were passed on to me. For years I couldn't stand them. I didn't have an experience like my dad did as an excuse though. He hated them, so I hated them.

It was my brother who turned me around. He rescued a kitten from a flood and decided to adopt him. Aptly named Noah the cat did most of the work turning me on to the coolness of his kind. A few years later, my wife, kids and time spent with Noah had finally worn me down enough to agree to shop for one.

I had some rules though. A while back, I had been scammed by my wife and mother-in-law into agreeing to breed Yorkshire Terriers which turned out to be a major disaster. I was not going into cat ownership blindly accepting anything they told me. I picked up a few books at the library and did some research. I decided the criteria was a male, short-haired adult. This was, of course, the exact opposite of what my wife had in mind.

WIFE: But a kitty is so cute. Our dogs were full grown when the kids were born and I would hate for them to miss that since they never got to know what having a puppy is like!

ME: I understand that, but it says right here in the book A Whole Lot of Cats by Kit N. Caboodle that a kittens personality can change drastically as it matures. With an adult cat you have a better idea what his temperament is like.

WIFE: Ok, so why does it have to be a short haired? I want something I can stroke.

ME: (under my breath) Well, If you're looking for something to stroke...

WIFE: Not Funny!

ME: Look, we already have three long haired terriers shedding hair all over the place thanks to the Yorkie breeding fiasco of 1994. Do you really want something else that you...I mean we will have to brush and clean up after?

WIFE: Ok, so why a male? You know males are more aggressive right?

ME: I thought that too, but actually, according to The Cat's Revenge by Claude Bottom, a neutered male cat is more likely to keep an even temperament as he ages.

So with my unshakable logic, I was able to convince the wife I was right and she was wrong. This doesn't happen very often in our marriage so I spent the rest of that evening savoring the flavor of sweet victory. All that was left now was a trip to the ASPCA shelter to see what we could find....

Announcement:

As I said in my previous post, I've been very busy and blogging has hit the back burner a bit. I actually started this post two days ago but could not flesh it out to my liking in the short amount of time I had available. If you want to see what happens when I don't flesh out an entry I again refer you back to my last installment. So I decided to make this one a two parter. I'll probably have to resort to this more in the future so I apologize in advance.

The Best Birthday Evah

2007-08-18T23:14:00.000-04:00

It's been a very busy week. School starts for The Kids which meant trips to Target for school supplies. Also, my brother broke up with his girlfriend who may be going Glenn Close on him. Finally, my daughter just had her 10th birthday. Each of these events should make for some interesting blogging fodder but today I'm going to run with my daughter's birthday. Don't worry (as if you were really worried), I'll be talking about the others in the coming days.

Not too long ago, I posted about a birthday party The Wife threw for my son. I would say The Wife and I threw the party, but that would be lying. The Wife does all the planning and I have only one job which is to do whatever she tells me to do. After the huge success of my son's party I didn't think my wife would be able to top it. I was wrong.

For my daughter's party, The Wife and Daughter decided on a Hawaiian luau. The party was held at our local pool and included an actual tiki bar serving pina colodas, margaritas, and frozen daiquiris. All the drinks were alcohol free of course, which was a disappointment to most of the parents. Throughtout the day I would often hear the phrase, "Got any rum for these drinks?" usually said with a nod and a sly wink.

In addition to the bar we had all the usual hawaiian trappings such as grass skirts, coconut cups, and leis. Not much begs for childish humor like a lei and there was plenty of it to go around with the adults, but I think the day's best has to go to my son walking about innocently asking the ladies, "You wanna a lei?" Good stuff.

We had about fifteen girls show up to my daughters party. Sixteen, ten year old girls (counting mine). If anyone reading this ever finds themselves attending a party with sixteen, ten year old girls, I have one piece of advice: Earplugs. I have learned that in the species of ten year old girl, one of the primary means of communication is what I refer to as "scrweeachling" It's just as it sounds, a combination of screeching, squealing and screaming at a decible level so large I suspect dogs for miles around howled in agony at it. I don't really know about the dogs though, since I was often at the epicenter of the scrweechling and could hear little but the blood pounding in my ears.

It seems scrweeachling has many uses for the ten year old girl. It is acceptable as a greeting:

Mikayla: Cassie? Is that you?

Cassie: Mikayla?

Together: SCRWEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Scrweeachling is also used as a form of approval:

Mikayla while opening presents discovers she has received something that is either a CD or DVD titled "High School Musical"

Mikayla: It's "High School Musical"!!!! SCRWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Other Fifteen Girls: (joining Mikayala) SCRWEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think the most common usage though, the one that generates the absolutley loudest scrweeeach, and the one that causes me the most concern, is the boy scrweeeach, as in:

Ally: Oh. My. God..... Look who came to your party Mikayla....it's DAKOTA!!!SCRWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

The Other Fifteen Girls: (joining Ally) SCRWEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

All in all, the party was a huge success. Everyone had a great time. I did find out something that will make next years party more interesting though. About halfway through the event, the pool manager approached me and with a sly wink and a nod, informed me that I could have brought rum for the drinks.

Why The Phantom Tollbooth?

2007-08-09T16:54:00.000-04:00

Susan asked me why I named this blog as I did. She also was curious as to my choice of avatars. Here is your answer Susan:

It's none of your damn business! Was giving you eight private details of my life not enough! Does anything ever sate your curiosity! For the love of God!

Of course, I jest. I'm honored you have wondered these things about my blog Susan. It's a fair question and here is your boring answer:

Because I could not think of anything else.

That's pretty much it. I was at work when I created my blog and just took the first thing that popped into my head.

I have always been fascinated with stories of mysterious portals that would transport people to strange and distant worlds. It started with that story about a lion, a witch and a certain wardrobe that my dad read to me in my youth. The Phantom Tollbooth was one of my favorite books from childhood. It could just have easily been A Wrinkle in Time I guess.

If I had to do it over again, I would probably pick a title with the name Big Lick somehow involved. Big Lick was the original name of my town of Roanoke. When I first started blogging I was not sure what direction I wanted my blog to take. Finally I decided to focus on humor (for those who just said to themselves- Humor? Really?- feel free to bite me.) I think something with Big Lick in the title just screams humor. Or maybe porn.

I didn't choose an avatar until later. I had lots of ideas including, as you mentioned Susan, Tock from the book. In the end, I just picked Barney Fife because I was tired of looking.

But wait...there's more!

A while back I posted about the work of photojournalist Will Yurman. For those interested, he has added an updated photograph of Serena.

Eight

2007-08-07T22:07:00.000-04:00

A while back, Susan tagged me with my first meme. I promised two posts ago it would be my next post but, as you can see, I lied. Since yesterday was my anniversary, I felt I should post about that and save the meme for today. Since Susan is having computer issues she probably doesn't know any of this but whatever. Ok, I realize I'm rambling now but I'm all hopped up on cough medicine so sue me (except you Wendy, who as an attorney, has the actual skills to sue me). I'll shut up and get on with the meme. Here we go:

Eight Random Things About Jeff

People who use their turn signals incorrectly annoy me. People who don't use them at all piss me off. I don't know why they even bother putting turn signals on cars shipped to dealers in my city.

I think the Andy Griffith Show, specifically the seasons with Don Knotts, is the best television show ever made. I can say unequivocally that if there were an actual Mayberry, I would move there in a second.

I have a hard time falling asleep. If I could, I would fall asleep watching television every night but that drives my wife crazy. So I don't.

I love road trips. I especially love the driving part of the trip. While some guys judge their manhood on how fast they can get from point A to point B, I enjoy taking my time. I love those cheesy roadside shows like the "World's Largest Ball of Twine".

I swam with dolphins in Mexico and it ranks in the top ten experiences of my life.

I prefer sunrises to sunsets but usually see more of the latter than the former (see #3)

I have a room in my house so cluttered with junk you can barely walk in it. Anytime I go to clean it, I get distracted looking at the junk and end up getting nothing done.

When I found out my wife was pregnant the first time, one of my many fears was how I would overcome my girly stomach. I have a low threshold for puking and thoughts of poopy diapers and baby throw up terrified me. Amazingly, none of my children's bodily fluids ever bothered me. I can safely say I changed ninety percent of both my kids poop diapers. However, the one thing I could never do was cut their fingernails.

So there you go. A brief and mostly useless glimpse into the inner workings of me.

So now I'll pass this meme on to:

Wendy -for threatening to sue me

Scott -because I suspect he hates memes and he has not been posting enough lately.

Sona- because she is my newest friend

Jenn- for forcing her sweaty panties on her husband

Craig- because he has been watching too many cartoons lately

Of course, none of you are required to do this but woe unto you who breaks the chain.

Dastardly Daddy

2007-08-03T22:45:00.001-04:00

Note: I apologize for the length of this post. I considered making it a two parter but decided against it. I hope you find it worth the extra time.

Well I still feel like crap. I didn't plan on posting anything today but sometimes blogging material falls in my lap and I'm a strike while the iron is hot kinda guy. I actually should be doing a meme that Susan tagged me for several days ago (I haven't forgot!) but I think maybe what happened tonight will make for some interesting reading too. I promise the meme will be my next post Queen Bee!

The Daughter is having a sleep over tonight. As I type, I hear them back there giggling and doing whatever ten year old girls do. It kinda scares me because I think I heard them talking about boys. Boys scare me because I'm one myself. I know what boys want. Hence the fear. So I sit in here pretending they are playing with dolls and play-doh like they used too.

Anyways, in my attempt to be the cool dad I always try to do something to make sure The Daughter's friends are comfortable, relaxed, and having a good time. So I hatch a plan to scare the bejeezus outta them. Nothing says comfortable and relaxed like a gut wrenching, scream like Jamie Lee Curtis, evacuate your bowels scare. At least that's my opinion.

The plan is simple. When The Wife goes out to water her garden she will take the brood with her. Catching fireflies is a big deal to my spawn so I know this part will go off without a hitch.

Next, I will secret myself in my daughters closet. Upon their return and I detect the sounds of their innocent play, I will begin with the creepy sounds which consists of small scratches and knocks from my hiding place.

A rookie may attempt a groan or some other such noise but that would be a mistake. My kids are long used to me springing out of unexpected places (I never claim to be a good father) and any human noise would instantly ruin the surprise. Once I know they have detected the sounds and are preparing to investigate, I will spring from the closet, camera in hand, screaming while attempting to catch photographic evidence of their horror (for blogging and later blackmail purposes). That's the plan.

Unfortunately, The Wife decided that she wants to be the cool mom and announced she will hook up a sprinkler for the kids to play in after watering her flowers. This is a huge monkey wrench in my plans. Sprinklers means bathing suits. Bathing suits means changing back into dry clothes once the sprinkler fun is over.

Now a thirty seven year old guy in a closet jumping out to scare a couple of girls is good clean fun, but the same guy in a closet (with a camera no less) and a couple of naked ten year old girls outside, not so much.

So I amend the plan slightly. I will hide in The Boy's closet instead. I'll have to be a bit louder with the creepy sounds but oh well. Once I realize that sprinkler time is almost over, I collect my camera and head off to my boy's room. I make my spot in his closet, shut the door and begin congratulating myself on my evil brilliance. If I had a moustache, here is where I would twirl it.

While sitting there in the dark, I realized it was harder to hear than I anticipated so I decided I should open the door just a crack. I reached up and turned the doorknob to open the door...only to find the doorknob turned a little too loosely in my hand, and the door would not open. "Hmmmm" I thought, "lets try the other way." Same result. I was in a quandary. At this point, I must say I was a bit disconcerted. Ok, let me be totally honest here. I. Completely. Freaked. Out.

I have never known claustrophobia, panic attacks or a conniption but I'm pretty sure I experienced all three at once. Flopsweat, thudding heart, screaming, pounding and yelling for help all ensued. It shames me to admit it but I literally had to get a hold of myself. Once I calmed myself down, I was able to remove the doorknob and open the door.

Here is the closet if you are interested:

No, the irony does not escape me. After all my planning, I had ended up scaring the hell outta myself. Once again karma had decided to take a big bite outta my backside.

Germs!

2007-08-01T19:42:00.001-04:00

What I thought was only a bit of allergies has turned into a full blown snot, coughing, and sore throat extravaganza. Yay!!!

I hate being sick. Hate it , hate it, hate it. I especially hate being sick when the weather is warm.

I know, who likes being sick? Unlike some people though who soldier quietly on with their illness, I like to make sure everyone around me knows how crummy I feel. I want to just lay in bed and have my every need attended to by my loved ones. It was my upbringing. Anytime I had the sniffles, my mom would break out her arsenal of remedies.

I would be slathered in Vick's VapoRub, fed soup in bed and served a homemade tea concoction of cinnamon, lemon and honey. Feeling bad never felt so good. So what if I was a mama's boy.

Unfortunately for me, The Wife comes from a "walk it off" family. Stub your toe? Walk it off. Got the flu? Walk it off. Cut your legs off by a chainsaw? Somehow, walk it off.

So I don't get a whole lot of sympathy from The Wife. The good news is I'm raising a daughter who has natural caregiver skills. The bad news is she is also sick and I'm not selfish enough to expect her help.

So I suffer in silence. Hey, at least I have you guys and gals to share my grief with. Right?

My Kingdom for a Throne

2007-07-30T22:39:00.000-04:00

I'm the type of person who believes that the rules that apply to Las Vegas should also apply to anything bathroom related. What happens in the loo stays in the loo. Throughout childhood and up into my twenties, the bathroom was the one place I could retreat for some privacy. All that changed when the kids came along.

Sometimes I hear parents calling their kids without results. No matter how much they yell the kids just keep ignoring them. I don't have that problem. If I need my kids all I have to do is go to the bathroom. Like a moth to a bug zapper they will come running. "Daddy, Conner keeps touching me! or "Daddy, Mikayla is eating my cookies!" are typical crisis's that my children feel urgent enough to justify interrupting my "alone time". I know, I could simply lock the door but that's what I do when I need The Wife. It's a fact that the second I lock the door, my wife will need something from the bathroom.

So I have long given up any chance of privacy until we ship the kids off to college....or so I thought.

It seems a man in Fredericksburg, Virginia may have found a solution. This guy decided to break into the house of a 80+ year old woman shortly after witnessing her leaving home. Upon her return, she noticed the previously open bathroom door was now closed. When she opened the door, she found the man sitting on her toilet.

I have to give the woman credit here. Instead of flipping out as I probably would have, she asked the guy "How long are you going to be?". Apparently, he does not speak English as he responded in Spanish which she likewise didn't understand.

Fortunately no one was hurt and he left once he realized she was calling El Policia.

I don't know anything about this guy but I would bet a months pay he is married with kids.

Bad Hair Day

2007-07-26T21:41:00.000-04:00

We are a family of animal lovers. We have four dogs, two cats, a turtle and a fish. Three of our dogs (Max, Loki and Chloe) are Yorkshire Terriers and the fourth is a German Shepard (Arwen). I hate to think what our annual pet food, vet visits and grooming costs amounts to but I suspect it would feed an entire village in Cambodia or someplace similar for at least a month. I also hate to think of how much pet hair we accidentally consume but based on what comes out of our vacuum cleaner, I wouldn't be surprised if at some point I hork up a hairball.

In an effort to cut some on the budget, The Wife decided we could take over the grooming of the small dogs. She wanted to buy a set of clippers on our most recent trip to Target but decided she would be better off borrowing a pair from The Mother in Law first. So we did.

Here is what a Yorkshire Terrier is supposed to look like:

Here is a Gremlin from the movie Gremlins:

And here is Chloe after my wife's "grooming":

I think my daughter said it best when she first saw my wife's handiwork......"Poor Chloe"

An Offer She Can't Refuse

2007-07-25T06:49:00.000-04:00

The Wife is working again. She was offered and accepted the job she recently interviewed for. It's the same starting salary, but has a higher cap so it's really a promotion. She also ended up with a nice six week paid vacation so everything has all worked out.

This has caused a row among the other employees though. Somehow word has leaked that The Wife was the only one interviewed for the job. All of a sudden, our house is being deluged with calls from co-workers supposedly wanting to know how she is doing. It's amazing how after weeks of being unemployed none of these people seemed to care but soon as she get a new (and better job) the phone doesn't stop ringing. The Wife is keeping mum on the information though since it's obvious these people are just fishing for news about the new position.

******Award Information******

As I mentioned a few days ago I won the blogging schmooze award. It's now my turn to pass it forward so without further delay here we go:

Scott- the guy who inspired me to start this blog.

Sherri- the first person who linked my blog and who is currently in the process of moving to a new state which has made for some very interesting reading.

Susan- also known as Queen Bee has a great blog and great kids.

Wendy- Has a cute dog and is obviously an animal lover. She also writes a funny blog.

Jenn- Lives on a farm with horses which makes me very envious. She also writes some funny stuff.

Congrats all! Every one of these people writes a funny, entertaining blog and I'm really glad to have met them!

Finished (No Spoilers)

2007-07-23T12:34:00.001-04:00

Well I finished it last night. I laughed, cried, grieved and rejoiced.

Thanks to J.K Rowling for creating an amazing epic saga and for giving me so many hours of enjoyment.

EL-OH-EL

2007-07-18T19:00:00.000-04:00

Is there an actual term for those Internet acronymy, slangy letter combinations such as LOL, BRB, AFK and IMO? I'm just curious because something happened today to get my mind on the subject.

My job requires me to spend much of my day talking on the phone. Today, I was talking to a guy and in the middle of the conversation he suddenly said, "Lull". I was not sure what I heard so I ignored it but he continued to say it as our conversation continued. After a while, I realized he was not saying lull but what sounded more like loll, as in doll. Then it hit me. He was saying LOL. He was actually phonetically sounding it out as opposed to offering the fake little laugh we all do during our conversations.

After the call, I got to wondering if this is where society is heading. Next time I pass someone in the hall and they smile should I respond with "Colon-end parentheses"? Are guys in bars going to hit on women by approaching and offering, "Semicolon-end parentheses baby"

I have to say I find it all a bit disconcerting. I have a hard time keeping up with all the jargon. When I first ventured out into the Internet social world, I mistook LOL to mean "Lots of Love". At least that's what I thought it meant back in school when chicks would sign my yearbook:

Jeff, you are a great guy!

I hope we can get together over the summer!

Give me a call!

LOL!

Stephanie

After I found out it meant "laugh out loud" I wondered if that's what it meant all along. It would give all new meaning to those yearbook entries.

*****Special Announcement!*****

Today I won my very first blogging award! I officially have achieved the Schmooze award! Big thanks to Dorky Dad for the honor!

Being new to blogging I do have a question. Am I supposed to now pass it forward to five others? I certainly don't want to violate any blogging etiquette! Thanks again DD!

Harry Potteraholic

2007-07-17T20:38:00.000-04:00

Along with millions of others, I'll be getting my copy of Deathly Hallows on Saturday. I'm even considering showing up for the party at our local bookstore Friday night for the 12:01 release. My kids are trying talk me into dressing up in wizardly garb. My dorkiness knows no end.

So in the spirit of the event, and since this will be the seventh book, I'm going to list seven predictions for Deathly Hallows.

Spoiler Warning: If you have not read any of the earlier books and plan on doing so, you should stop reading and skip to the End Spoiler section!!!

Harry will triumph and defeat Voldemort.
Hermione and Ron will survive and their romance will flourish.
Neville will have his vengeance against Bellatrix, but it may cost him his life.
Dumbledore is dead.
Sirius Black will come back in some form. At least I really hope so since he is one of my favorites.
Snape really is a good guy despite killing Dumbledore. Snape may die helping Harry defeat Voldemort.
Hagrid will die.

So there they are. My guesses for the final book in the great Harry Potter saga. I would turn this into a meme and tag people but of the people who visit here I don't know who is a Harry Potter dork and who isn't.

END SPOILERS.

Also, once the book is released I'll be going into a media blackout so as not to catch any spoilers myself. So don't think I've stopped visiting your blog if I'm absent for a few days.

While I will make general comments here as I read the book, I promise my blog will be spoiler free for at least two weeks after the book is released so don't worry about visiting and having anything ruined.

A Great Idea

2007-07-16T07:07:00.001-04:00

Not too long ago I came across blogger Dorky Dad. I won't subject him to further embarrassment by mentioning how great I think his writing is (oops, I guess I just did) but ever since I've been pilfering some of his links. He probably thinks I'm some sort of stalker from the amount of times I hit his blog but he really has gathered a great group of people on his site and I'm enjoying making new friends as I visit them.

I'd like to send a shout out to some others who for some foolish reason decide to read my drivel:

Scott- A real life friend of mine who's musings inspired me to create this blog. He is one of a kind (in the good way) and I've always envied his original sense of humor.

Sherri- The first person to link my blog who does not know me in real life. She has given me some great advice in the few months I've known her and I've come to value her friendship. She also is a great writer so check her out!

Susan- One of my new friends I stole from Dorky. Along with her rockin' blog she also has a rockin' Jeep that I may have to steal.

Wendy- Another new friend from Dorky who impresses the hell outta me for choosing motherhood over her career as a lawyer. She also shares a love for my favorite movie Rear Window and has very pretty eyes.

Craig- I recently learned we share a interest in obscure cheesy 60's movies. He is also a very funny guy so take a look

I hope I haven't embarrassed or offended any of you but I'm in a sentimental mood this morning. If you can't tell, I look for humor above all and every one of these writers has it-big time, so check them out.

So back to the topic at hand. Today I visited Mert over on her blog Almost Somewhat Positive. Besides having a great sense of humor I think she has come up with a great idea. If you notice under my "Bits of Tid" section (under the photo links) I have a new graphic she created. The whole point behind "Frisk the 15th" is to remind women to give themselves a breast exam on the 15th of each month. I don't want to steal her thunder so go take a look at how she came up with this idea.

Since I love both women and breasts I think this is awesome! Visit her blog and get your own graphic!

Bad Vibrations

2007-07-14T23:51:00.000-04:00

So I'm watching television yesterday when I felt an unusual sensation in my..um..well...nether regions. It felt like something vibrating directly on my, how should I say this, old man.

My first thought was to my cellphone but I ruled that out when I saw it sitting quietly on our coffee table.

Next, I did what I think most men would do when something unusual is going on down there. I gave myself an adjustment. This did nothing though to stop the vibrations, and if anything it made them worse.

At this point I don't think I have to say (but I will), I was more than a little concerned. That particular part of my body is not supposed to vibrate on its own accord. Whatever it was, one thing I was sure of was that a vibrating penis can't be a good thing (although my wife may disagree).

There was only one thing left to do. I stood up and dropped my pants. To my horror and surprise, I saw two wasps crawling about on my crotch. Never have I been so glad of my decision to dress in underwear. Even still, only a thin layer of cotton separated me from the insects and I suspect the amount of protection was negligible.

In a previous post, I commented on the thoughts that went through my head as I had a fall. As far as I can remember, very little went through my head when I saw the wasps other than:

WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I may have been vocalizing the same sound, I really don't recall. I do know that I did what I'll call the wasp dance which involved trying to alternate throwing each leg over my head while brushing frantically at my crotch. At that point, I could have cared less if my hand was stung , but I cared a great deal about anything else down there getting zapped. I know my wife may appreciate a little extra swelling there but I could do without it, thank you very much. Neither my hand nor any other part of my body did get stung though which is most definitely good news.

I don't know how the wasps got there. To my knowledge we don't have any nests around the house. I really don't know how I didn't get stung. I can tell you one thing though. I'm very grateful I didn't.

The Interview

2007-07-12T21:14:00.000-04:00

My wife has had her interview with her old company. Before I go into the details though, I'd like to thank everyone who responded with advice. I decided to let her make her own decision without any added pressure from me. I offered to help practice by playing the role of interviewer and took Sherri's advice and bought her some chocolate. Actually, I bought her ice cream Twix bars which have the dual benefit of both comfort foods....ice cream and chocolate.

So without further ado....The interview was conducted with one of the local managers and a "Big Wig (Whig?)" from corporate HQ via conference call. I don't know how "Big" a "Wig", I'm just quoting my wife. The local manager, Brenda, was one of the bosses who went to bat for my wife just before her job was eliminated. I don't know Brenda but when I heard this I began to like her alot.

The interview was fairly standard stuff but my wife was a bit curious as to it's location. Where my wife worked is deemed a "secure" facility and has high security measures including security guards, razor wire and guard dogs. OK they really don't have razor wire and guard dogs but I'm trying to spice the post up a bit. For normal interviews, the protocol is to hold them in a location for that purpose that is of a lower security level. My wife's interview, however, was held on the seventh floor. The seventh floor is like the oval office of the building. Since my wife is technically no longer employed with the company, she told me it was highly unusual for a non-employee to be allowed on the seventh floor.

As I said the interview itself was normal stuff but things got interesting at the end. After the formal interview was over, My wife asked how many more people remained to be interviewed. Brenda told my wife that she was the only person being interviewed for the position. Brenda also told my wife to keep that information confidential so no blabbing from any of you reading this. Brenda also told her that if it were up to her, my wife would already have the job but they have to wait for final approval from Human Resources. I really, really like Brenda now.

When my wife brought up the subject of pay, she told me Brenda said something similar to, "Well, I hate to give bad news there but most likely you will start at the same pay you had before. I'm trying to get that bumped up though." After hearing that, I think I'm ready to bear Brenda some children.

So that's the story. What means the most to me isn't whether or not my wife gets this job but that her ego got some much needed repairing by the people who broke it in the first place.

One final note. I was wrong about the new job. Without going into boring details it isn't the same position. It is a trainer position but it's actually a step up from her old job. It also offers a higher end salary.

Updates!

2007-07-10T19:50:00.000-04:00

There are some major goings on around here. First of all, if you notice from the picture, Atticus and Scout are looking very healthy. In case you missed my previous posts about the baby finches I've been following, you can read about them here, here and here.

What's that you say? You don't see any birds in the nest??? Well there is a good reason for that. It's because I'm a procrastinating MORON. Yep, the chicks are gone and I didn't get a picture in time to show how much they had grown. A couple of nights ago I took a look and there they were, looking all chipper and grown up. I even told my wife that I'd better get a shot before they took off. The next day they had vamoosed. Farewell Atticus and Scout, you will be missed!

Next up in my news updates is related to my wife's recent unemployment which you can read about here and here. I need some advice.

A week ago her old employer called her for a phone interview for a new position with the company. It's for a trainer position which is good since that's what she likes to do. I didn't want to jinx her so I didn't post about it but today she was called for a face to face interview tomorrow.

My wife is concerned that they are going to try to start her out at a lower wage than she held previously. She told me that if they do, she is going to refuse the job. Here is where I need the help.

I feel she should take any job they offer her. The old "bird in the hand" thing. Should I bring this up to her or let her make the decision herself. I don't want to put any pressure on her and financially we are OK for a while. I'm just not sure what I should do here. I know losing a job, and then having to go through the whole interviewing process all over again for basically the same position, and for potentially less money is a ego crusher. Any advice?

Robots from Hell

2007-07-08T22:22:00.000-04:00

My son is a HUGE Transformers fan. He has been as long as I can remember. In case you have been on another planet for the last twenty years, Transformers are those robot toys that can change into different forms. For example, Optimus Prime over there is the leader of the Autobots, who are the "good guys". Optimus Prime can change from a robot to a tractor trailer. He is just one example of dozens of these things. The toys spawned a comic book, cartoon show and most recently, a major motion picture. My son loves it all. Personally I'm not too fond of them.

I didn't always feel this way about Transformers. There was a time I could see the appeal. It's like getting two toys for the price of one. That all changed though when my son came along and one fateful day pointed at a package on the toy aisle and shouted "Robot!". At the time I didn't think twice but picked it up and tossed it in the cart. I always thought they were neat but I was too old for toys when they fist came out back in the early 80's so I had missed my chance to get any.

That's one of the huge advantages of having kids. You get to play with all the new cool toys again without looking like a idiot. There have been plenty of conversations with The Wife similar to, "Yes dear, I know he is only six months old but he will absolutely love this electric race track set...trust me!"

One reason I don't care for Transformers is the packaging they come in. I don't know who invented today's toy packaging but I'm fairly certain of two things:

They don't have children.

They are fugitives of the Nazi party.

When I was a child, opening a toy was a fairly straightforward task. You ripped open one end of the box and pulled the toy out. Easy peasy. Opening a toy these days almost requires a mechanical engineering degree.

First, you open the box. This may or may not require the use of scissors, knife, scalpel, or the jaws of life.

Once the box is opened, you pull out the inner packaging....but wait. First you must find and cut all the tape holding the inner package to the outer package

Next comes the part I like to refer to as The Cursing Phase. For some reason, toys today come packaged with wire ties. Each tie is interwoven throughout the toy, pulled back through the inner packaging, and twisted about three hundred times with approximately three tons of torque. There are usually about thirty on any given toy. What is really amazing, is how clever the sadists at the toy factory are able to hide them. Just when I think I've removed the last one and try to remove the toy from the package, I typically find I have about ten more I missed. This is where the cursing happens.

I can't really fault the Transformers makers for the packaging though. It's standard policy on all today's toys. The reason why I don't like the Transformers is the ability that gives them their name....the transforming itself.

While the packaging is bad enough, I think figuring out how to covert a Transformer to robot form and back again is the eighth level of hell. I'm serious. I suspect the Devil hands out Transformers to new arrivals and forces them to figure out how they work. Over and over and over again. For eternity.

It also never fails that about five minutes after I switch it to the form my son wants, he wants it back the other way. Of course, I do it every time because he loves them and I love him. Such is the life of a parent.

Carnival Knowledge

2007-07-06T23:35:00.000-04:00

Tuesday (the same day as my parking lot acrobatics) we decided to take the kids to the carnival that comes to town for a couple of weeks every July.

With our family outings, we learned long ago not to let the kids know our plans until we were at our destination. Otherwise we would have to deal with a barrage of non-stop questions (mainly from my son) along the lines of, "When are we going? Where is it? Will there be rides? What kind of rides? Will the rides be fast? Will they have games?What kind of games? Can we play the games? Can I get cotton candy? What color cotton candy? etc etc etc".

When we arrived, I'm afraid I turned into my dad while we waited in line at the ticket booth. Having to lay out $20 bucks per kid to get the Armband of Infinite Rides seemed a bit excessive in my opinion. Don't get me wrong, I'm no cheapskate but since my kids can only ride about half the rides at the fair, having to pay for a full price armband seemed a bit steep.

I was going to bring this up to the carny in the ticket booth when I realized I could not understand most of what he was saying. I'm fairly sure he was speaking English. I did catch a word or two but about all I got was "Murblefurbl brishgryorbit buddy?" I'm really not sure if he was asking me a question but I guessed it was something to the effect of "How can I help you?" Heck, for all I know he may have been asking me out to a Moose Lodge dance. I suspect his verbalization problems had something to do with the fact that he only had, as far as I could tell, two teeth. I was to find out later that whatever other benefits come in the carnies employment package, a good dental plan is apparently not one of them. So I handed over my $40.00, collected the armbands and moved on.

The bulk of our time spent at the carnival was mostly uneventful. It mainly consisted of me convincing my son that each ride we put him on would not send him rocketing into oblivion. Each time he would ask "Daddy, is it fast?" repeatedly and each time I would assure him it was not.

After a few rides, The Wife decided it was time to eat. Since just about everything offered was only available deep fried I made a decision to avoid all the carnival food. While I love it, there is little doubt that if I had consumed any, I would quickly have been forced to wait in line for a not so pleasant ride of my own:

There is some good news to report. Take a look at all the swag we collected through the various carnival games we played. You may or may not not believe it but all this only cost us $40 buckaroos! What-a-bargain!

So that's our time at the carnival. The kids had a blast, which is the whole point and I got some great memories. As much as I dread it each year, I'm always glad we went.

Have a nice trip....see ya next fall

2007-07-04T16:17:00.001-04:00

Since its Independence Day I don't have a lot of time to devote to a post but something happened Tuesday I feel I should share

I was walking out to my car when I fell. I didn't trip over something like a rock, or step off a curb. I simply stumbled over my big clown feet and hit the asphalt.

I cant remember the last time I fell down so I was somewhat surprised by the entire conversation that took place in my head as I hit the pavement. It went something like this:

"Woah...I'm stumbling forward......I better try to regain my balance!....Hey, this isn't working, I'm still going forward!....Lean back you idiot, your center of balance is waaaaay off!!!!! GET YOUR FEET IN FRONT OF YOU MORON!!!!!! GREAT....NOW YOU'VE DONE IT, YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE OF SAVING YOURSELF!!!!! WE'RE GOING DOWN!...BRACE FOR IMPACT CAUSE HERE IT COMES!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!

All that went through my head in the span of about three seconds.

Fortunately, there were plenty of witnesses on hand to observe the whole thing. To their credit, they managed to keep a look of genuine concern on their faces the whole time. What made the whole episode even more humiliating was not just that I fell, but that I tried so hard not to fall. By trying not to fall, all I did was add enough time to the event so everyone had a chance to get a good look.

When I got in the car, my wife didn't help much by sweetly asking, "Decide to do a little stop, drop, and roll before getting in the car?" I should point out that she did ask if I was OK between bouts of dabbing the tears from her eyes. Fortunately I was OK. Except for a few scrapes I was relatively unharmed.

Considering what happened to my friend Sherri, I count myself very lucky.

Oh...and Happy Independence Day all!

Swimmin' Pools.....Movie Stars

2007-07-02T10:35:00.000-04:00

So what's the deal with that movie poster over there? Well, it just so happens I worked on and had a part in an actual movie. That's the movie over there. Yep, I'm a real movie star. Sorry, no autographs or pictures please. Actually, my part was the equivalent of playing the role of a red shirt in Star Trek.
For those who don't know, in the Star Trek universe if you were assigned a red shirt by the powers that be, you could pretty much give up living long enough to collect your pension. If you wore a red shirt and was assigned to a landing party with Captain Kirk, you could pretty much give up collecting your next paycheck. It was rare to see anyone wearing a red shirt survive to the commercial break. So what I'm getting at here is my part was small, and I died. So how did all this happen?

Well, about ten years ago a friend of mine knew of a director in my town who was working on a independent sci-fi film. According to my friend, Mark Hamill was involved. Being the uber geek I am I was a bit intrigued. Ok, I admit it, I was as giddy as a schoolgirl. I mean we are talking about Mark Hamill here.

In case you were born a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Mark Hamill played Luke Skywalker in Star Wars. Luke freaking Skywalker. My nerdness was nearly bursting with excitement. So my friend made a few calls (actually just one call, but a few calls sounds more Hollywood doesn't it?), and the next thing I knew, I was on my way to the set.

To call where the movie was being filmed a set is being generous. To call it a field in the middle of nowhere would be more accurate. It was quickly apparent that this was not what you would consider a "big budget" picture. The actors were having makeup applied from the back of a pickup truck. Craft services consisted of a cooler with soft drinks. Most distressing of all, there was no sign anywhere of Mark Hamill.

Turns out the director had lost some of the financial backing he had been counting on. So no Mark Hamill. Still, it was a fun way to spend a few weekends. I learned a little about movie making and as I said I even ended up with a part.

One of the actors didn't show and the director was desperate to get the scene filmed. He asked me if I wanted the part. I played a soldier who is shot while trying to call in support. They squibbed me up and everything. I can't remember my exact lines but I was talking into a radio when an alien (my brother in costume actually) sneaks up and shoots me.

In the end, it was a pretty bad movie. The plot involves an alien race attempting to take over the planet being battled by an earth force who drive giant walking tanks. The aliens have the ability to control the minds of men. They are unable to control the minds of women though because, and remember I didn't write this, women are too scatterbrained. I swear I'm not making this up.

So that's it. My movie career. If anyone happens to get a copy, I apologize.

Haunted

2007-06-29T23:20:00.000-04:00

I think I am experiencing a haunting. I'm not kidding here. Some weird stuff has been going on that I'm having a hard time explaining.

First of all, this isn't a haunting in the normal since. It's not my house I'm talking about here, or my car, or a toy monkey or anything else Stephen King has decided would make a good place for spooks to hang out. I'm talking about my cubicle at work. That's right, my cubicle.

I suppose I should start at the beginning. If you are frightened easily then you may want to stop reading now....well, maybe only if you are frightened of bad grammar.

About two weeks ago, my employer decided it would be a good idea to "mix things up". By mixing things up, they actually meant they planned to move people from their old cubicles to new cubicles. I don't know why, so don't ask. After working almost fifteen years in corporate America I gave up long ago trying to make any sense of management decisions.

It's was decided that seating was going to be done in order of seniority which means I could sit pretty much anywhere I wanted. Normally, I go for a nice window seat but the only ones available were either right by the bosses office (and therefore would cut into my goofing off ) or too near the refrigerator.

I'm sorry to digress here, but if there is anything more vile than an office fridge, I can't imagine what it would be. I would honestly store food in my toilet before I would consume anything that comes from our office refrigerator. Since I don't relish the thought of sitting next to an appliance that smells like an autopsy room each time it's opened I had to give up my dream of a window desk.

My next ideal choice is a desk that is against a wall, preferably with only one entrance so as to limit those awkward moments of my boss catching me on the Internet during work hours. Here I had more luck. I got exactly what I was looking for. No one behind me and only one entrance. I could pick my nose, scratch myself, clip my toenails, pretty much anything I like with little fear of public scrutiny. There are really only three drawbacks to my new seating arrangement.

Only one entrance also means only one exit, so if someone goes postal my escape route is limited. Don't laugh, at my old desk a co-worker behind me went completely berserk one day and hurled a ceramic coffee mug at me that only missed my head by inches. For the record, she wasn't aiming at me...just hurling objects in general.

No window, as I've already explained

I think it's possessed.

The first phenomenon I noticed was a feeling that I was being watched. Over the years, I have developed almost a sixth sense about people standing behind me. Perhaps other people who have worked in a cubicle can attest to this, but you can just feel when someone is there. That's what this feels like, only no one is there. It's very annoying because I've prematurely ended some excellent websites for fear that my boss was near.

The next occurrence has been the sound of footsteps. It sounds just like someone walking behind me, but just like with the watched feeling, when I look, no one is there

Finally today, and this is the event that has prompted me to post, on two separate occasions I felt someone(thing?) poke me in the back (Gulp!) but once again, no one is around.

I should point out that I don't use drugs, I don't drink, and as far as I know insanity does not run in my family. I guess insanity has to start somewhere though.

Maybe if I can convince management, they will do an excavation and possibly find an Indian burial ground on the site they erected my cube. Who knows?

In the meantime maybe I should look up the number to this guy:

Major Faux Pas

2007-06-28T10:30:00.000-04:00

I get to work today and begin my usual pre-work routine which consists of:

Chatting (see:gossip) with my co-workers.

Obtaining coffee and water.

Signing into my 300 different computer systems

Checking the news.

Checking my blogs.

Ill stop the list here since today's post primarily deals with #5 and save the rest of my action packed routine for another day.

As I perused my blog, the first thing I noticed was that Dorky Dad had left me a comment. This made me immensely proud since I think his blog is excellent and anyone reading this (both of you) should take a moment to check it out. Go on...I'll wait. Very funny stuff.

I then noticed something about my last post. Something I honestly didn't think about while composing said post. Something that literally chilled me to the very core of my soul. I realized that I had, in fact, compared my wife..........to a dog.

In my experience there are many things most women will tolerate being called, but dog is not one of them. Heck, calling a woman a dog is just a hop, skip and a jump away from calling her a b---h. B---h is the absolute last thing you want to call a woman. Call a woman that and you may as well call the lawyer and get your affairs in order. I'm proud to say that in the fourteen years I have been with my wife, never have I uttered that word about her.

So there it is. I have regrettably (albeit not intentionally) insulted my wife. In reality, I doubt this will cause her any annoyance. She may not be in the mood for humor right now, but she knows I'm not the name calling type. I briefly thought there may be a chance she would not even make the connection but my wife is not blond and named Paris Hilton so I know soon as she see's that post I'll hear about it.

May We Downsize That for You?

2007-06-27T20:08:00.000-04:00

The Wife is officially unemployed. As I mentioned previously, her employer decided it was in their best interest to let go an employee who would work when she had the flu, do anything asked of her, never complain, and was one of the most productive workers they ever had. They call it "downsizing". To me downsizing sounds like something you would do to a value meal at McDonalds.

It goes without saying that The Wife isn't taking this very well. She has slid into a massive funk of depression. I tried to help cheer her up with my witty buffonery which was a huge mistake. The first joke I attempted and the results were very simlar to this:

I have since decided my best (and safest) course of action is to give her a wide berth, at least for the time being. She mainly spends her evenings watching tv in our bedroom. I occasionally slip quietly back there and gently ask her if she needs anything. I make sure to keep at least ten feet between us at all times.

Something else that should be mentioned is that she is watching an inordinate about of real crime documentaries. Especially those dealing with wives knocking off their husbands. Should I be concerned that she seems to be taking notes?

Co-Workers

2007-06-26T00:11:00.000-04:00

I work with some very interesting people. For example, one of my co-workers we call Jason. Normally he is a really nice guy, but sometimes his eyes glaze over and he starts making the Jason Sound from the Friday the 13th movies, "Shhh Shhh Shhh......Haaa Haaa Haaa." I swear he isn't aware of his surroundings when doing this. The first time I heard this was when we were passing each other in the hallway. To say I was bewildered would be an understatement. I stopped and watched him walk by making that sound the whole way. I thought it was some kind of joke but when I said his name he turned briefly and looked at me, but it was as if he didn't recognize me. He just kept on down the hall "Shhh Shhh Shhhing" the whole way.

Then there is Ted. He gets his name from the uncanny resemblece he bears to Ted "The Unabomber" Kaczynski. Seriously, this guy could be his twin.

Ted also has a habit of unusal dress. Sometimes he comes to work dressed as a priest. Other days he wears a white three piece suit with a deerstalker cap (think Sherlock Holmes) and a cane.

Sometimes he walks about with a water bottle in a bag and pretends to be intoxicated.

In addition to his odd wardrobe choices, Ted is also a bit of a practical joker. One time, he thought it would be funny to mount twenty remote control fart machines under a couple of the women's desks. When I say mount, I mean the whole drill, screw, everything. I would admit that a couple of fart machines would have been a pretty funny gag, but when a prank involves over $200.00 in fart machines and a couple of hours time installing them I think a line has been crossed. Then there was the time he decided it would be funny to send thousands of dollars worth of merchandise and drugs C.O.D to another female worker. I won't even get into the details of his stalking women or sexual harassment. I suspect Ted will be getting a visit from security any day now.

Finally, I'll mention the bathroom chatter. He is harmless but annoying. This is the guy who obviously never got the rules regarding proper urinal etiquette. Just so my female readers know, there are rules that must be followed when using a urinal:

Eyes Forward

No Unnecessary Talking

If All Urinals/Commodes Are Taken, Do Not Form A Line. Wait By The Sinks.

No Excessive Jiggling

NO TOUCHING

Flush (this rule seems to be falling out of favor with some men)

Those are the rules. Nothing difficult there, but the bathroom chatter thinks a trip to the John is a social occasion. He thinks nothing of backslapping, talking, looking over into my urinal, hell, I think he would serve Hors-de-Oeuvres and cocktails if given the chance. Over all, he is a nice guy though and its really only an annoyance.

I could go on but I'll save some for later. Work is definitely an interesting place. I'm surprised someone hasn't thought to make a reality show about it.

Game(Geek) Night

2007-06-24T20:33:00.001-04:00

Once again it was time for my bi-monthly gruntfest. My friends Dennis, Matt, Joe, my brother Mike and myself gathered to match wits over a boardgame. Considering the wits involved, I wouldn't think it would take too long but we still manage to drag it out over a few hours.

Joe carefully planning his next move. I'm pretty sure he came in dead last.

With my clever strategy, a dash of luck, and my rugged good looks I emereged victorious. I could not resist taking a photo of my winning empire.

My friend Dennis is kind enough to point out my pieces (green) shortly after my victory.

We used to play games such as these at a local hobby shop, but it seems we don't smell bad enough to be true "gamers". Now we just play at one of our own homes.

Further Developments

2007-06-23T16:01:00.000-04:00

The chicks are finally beginning to look more like birds than something from a B horror movie. I've decided to call them Atticus and Scout.

The mama bird seems to be getting a bit more used to us so I'm hoping maybe to catch a picture of her in the next couple of days.

We Have Chicks!

2007-06-19T21:46:00.000-04:00

I've had a lot going on lately and havent really felt like doing much but sleep and watch tv. I've neglected pretty much everything, including my blogs. Today though, when I inspected the nest I mentioned in an earlier post, I noticed we had two babies. They are only about a day old.

I left the picture big so if you click on it you can get a better look. Right now they are pretty much just pulsing bits of skin and feathers. I apologize for the poor quality but I was trying to be as fast as I could since I was upsetting their mom and dad.

Speaking of mom and dad, I've had a hard time getting a decent picture of them. They are very skittish and my camera does not have a decent zoom. Soon as I get close enough they fly off. I do know they are some type of finch I'm just not sure which. I'll put something in the next picture to give some scale.

When it Rains...

2007-06-13T12:09:00.000-04:00

As if I don't have enough to deal with there is now a fairly good chance my wife is going to be unemployed as of Friday. Two weeks ago, her boss called all eleven trainers (my wife is a trainer) into his office and announced they were eliminating the title. They would be reformed under another title but there would only be seven slots available. We were really not overly concerned since my wife is the "go-to" trainer that her boss always uses for special projects, out of town training, etc. She really has an amazing work ethic (that puts me to shame) and we could not imagine they would be willing to lose her.

Two days ago, they announced the seven slots and my wife was not one of them. Flabbergasted, she began trying to get some answers but so far, she has had no response. She had been repeatedly assured by various managers that her position with the company is safe, but unless something changes, she will be without employment as of Friday. I guess we will see.

Night of the Geeks

2007-06-11T08:05:00.000-04:00

Every so often a group of my friends and myself gather to discuss manly issues that can include (and this is in no way a conclusive list) breasts, beer, sports, flatulence, girlfriends/wives, tools, cars, firearms, supermodels, home electronics, movies, music, and breasts. I know I started and ended with breasts but typically that's how our conversations begins and ends, so I thought it appropriate. So no one confuses these male bonding sessions with a "gabfest", which is a decidedly female conjuncture, we conduct them under the guise of some type of game.

Last night we had our most recent gathering. My wife refers to these meetings as "Geek Night" and I suppose the title is somewhat deserved. The games we play would hardly be considered hip by mainstream men. We tend to stick to eurogames and the like, which I would agree are a bit geeky, but hey, it's what we like.

Last nights game choice was Settlers of Catan.

From left to right my friends Dennis, his daughter Ainsley, and Matt (not shown are Joe on my left and Mike on my right).

It's main goal is to build a collection of settlements and cities through harvesting of resources and trading with other players. The more you build, the more points you accumulate. The first person to 10 points wins. It's a fun game but the real pleasure is the interaction with your opponents. The game offers some opportunities to "screw" the other players and as with most games, there are ample occasions for ridicule, which are crucial for any successful male bonding event.

In case you are wondering, I came in dead last. I would like to say it was due to unfortunate luck or the clever actions of the other players and although both of these conspired against me to some degree, I must confess the main reason I was stomped so soundly was due to my own poor decisions. It's ok though, while I certainly like winning I never have minded losing as long as I have a good time along the way. Joe ended up as the winner but it was a close call.

Party Hardy Marty

2007-06-07T08:06:00.000-04:00

So we had a birthday party for my son last night. Kid's birthday parties are stressful events for the parents. It starts the moment the invitations are mailed. The first big fear is will any of these kids show up?. It's like being in high school again worrying about the social rank of your own child. We wait anxiously by the phone praying for those RSVP calls. We made it worse by cancelling the original party because of rain and rescheduling it later in the week.

Then, the RSVPs start coming and you begin to fear that too many kids are going to come. Today's birthday parties are like the Oscars with each attendee getting to take home a goodie bag. The contents of each goodie bag are required to be of a certain quality. A poorly put together goodie bag can be the kiss of death for future parties. It's important to my wife....OK and me too...that we are thought of as the cool house by the kids. The problem is that to provide a decent goodie bag may require a second mortgage on the house, especially if too many kids show up.

Then, there is the planning of events to consider. Sure, any schlub can book Chuckie Cheese or the skating rink but it takes a skilled party coordinator to put together an original soiree. My wife did a really good job here. Our theme was "Dinosaur Expedition". We had crafts, a dino dig (a sandbox with dinosaur bones buried), a dino lagoon (a 3' deep blow up pool), a volcano (the ole' vinegar and baking soda experiment) and the most popular, a Jurassic river ride (a slip and slide). We served up dino tails (hot dogs) and brontosaurus burgers (yea, so I ripped off the Flintstones-sue me).

All in all, a great time was had by all. The kids were exhausted but happy and Connor was thrilled. He picked up some excellent loot that I'll be spending the next year getting out of it's packaging but if it makes him happy, it makes me happy.

My X-Man

2007-06-03T19:27:00.000-04:00

The wife and I are coping much better with the news of our son's condition. He is an awesome little boy and though we know certain parts of his upbringing are going to be challenging, I know that we will do the very best we can.

He is one of the smartest, funniest and charming little guys I know. It amazes me how freely he makes new friends. I know of at least two girls in his kindergarten class who bat their eyes when he is around, and it shocked the hell out of me when I heard him once ask a pretty little girl, "What's your number?". He seems to have a preference for older women though:

Yep, that's my boy flirting with the lifeguard at our pool. Don't ask me where he gets it from because I was always a spineless jellyfish when it came to the ladies. One of my friends once said that Connor was the coolest little boy he had ever known. I think so too. He also said Connor would probably get more ass than a taxi cab seat. I don't know what to think about that.

Unexpected Discovery

2007-06-02T22:38:00.000-04:00

I was doing a bit of work today preparing for my son's birthday party, which is tomorrow, when I discovered we have a bird nesting in one of my wife's hanging baskets.

I'm not sure what type of bird these belong to but I'll watch and try to get some pictures of the mama and papa.

Connor

2007-06-01T10:29:00.000-04:00

Last night our son's pediatrician informed us that Connor has Klinefelter's syndrome. Connor has always had speech problems and has been seeing a speech therapist for a few years. He also has a very short attention span which we just assumed was probably ADD related . As a matter of fact, it was the testing for ADD that revealed the Klinefelter's syndrome.

I know I should count my blessings and realize that around the world, at the same time we were hearing about our son's condition, other parents are getting much worse news about their children. But that does little to console me. Immediately after hearing the news all sorts of thoughts went bouncing through my head. I have already been working on my "birds and bees" talk and I realize now I'm going to have to add, "but you will probably never be able to have children" when I give it to my son. I then selfishly thought how my legacy would not be carried on in my son as I assumed all these years it would. I never really thought it was that important to me but suddenly, with the prospect gone, I find it troubles me more than I would have thought.

I must also admit I had some rather unworthy thoughts on my wife's family gene pool (according to my wife, the syndrome comes from the mother). It's not as though I wanted to think these things, they just kept popping in my brain. I guess it's some sort of defense mechanism, looking for something or someone to blame. Of course, I kept those thoughts to myself. I know she is already blaming herself and will need my support.

I'm afraid how this is going to affect my son later in life. Most of this is going to happen during puberty, which is already a hard enough time to go through. I wonder how severe is his reaction going to be. I wonder how we will cope with it. I am more fortunate than many in that I have a well paying job with excellent insurance so I know he will get the best treatment available.

A Little Perspective

2007-05-25T23:21:00.000-04:00

Photojournalist Will Yurman posted an updated photograph of Serena yesterday. If you missed it, I mentioned in a previous post how moved I was by that photo. You can tell by the new photograph she has been burned severely. Since I had to know the story behind these heartbreaking images, I sent Mr Yurman an email asking for details.

He responded that she had been the victim of a house fire last fall. Her grandmother saved Serena but died while do so. The unburned areas you see on Serena's face are where her grandmother shielded her from the fire with her own body.

I wish I could say she is on the mend and after surgeries are complete all will be well but she most likely has suffered severe brain damage from the smoke of the fire. Will did tell me that there are some considerable improvements in terms of physical healing and activity but she has a tough road ahead of her with more surgery and rehab.

It's easy in my shielded world of relative safety and comfort to forget the tragedies that happen daily all over the world. The next time I think my troubles seem insurmountable I hope I can remember the fight of this beautiful, brave little girl and the sacrifice of her equally brave grandmother.

Sick as a Dog

2007-05-23T14:29:00.000-04:00

I've spent pretty much the last forty eight hours becoming more intimate with my toilet than I ever hoped to. I blame my wife (who is in the same condition) since it was her idea to get Chinese takeout. I tried to stick as close to my diet as possible, ordering only the beef & broccoli with fried rice, but since it only stayed in my stomach about three hours I wish I had gone whole hog with the sweet and sour chicken and egg rolls.

A Photo A Day

2007-05-21T12:56:00.000-04:00

After looking over Mr Yurman's photo site, I found some links to other Photo A Day sites. A seed was planted and I've decided to start my own, it's also listed in my Photo Links.

Hopefully as time goes on my skill will improve, especially when I can talk my wife into allowing me to improve my camera. I make no promises however. Click at your own risk.

Humble Pie

2007-05-17T22:30:00.000-04:00

During the course of my existence I find there are moments that make me pause and re-evaluate my outlook on life. Sometimes the moments are drastic such as September 11, 2001 or, more recently, the Virginia Tech massacre. Most of the time, however, the moments are more subtle and easily missed, such as watching the pleasure in my children's faces as they enjoy something as simple as an ice cream. I had one of these moments today.

Not too long ago, I took up photography as a hobby. Years ago I had taken a couple of photography classes as electives in college and for a while took a camera everywhere I went. Without access to a darkroom though, it became rather costly for my then meager budget. Before long, my camera was gathering dust in my closet and forgotten.

About six months ago, I won a digital camera at work. I threw it in the closet when I got home and didn't give it much thought. Not long after, I made contact with my old friend Scott from my high school days. As my readers know, he was the inspiration for this blog. As I looked at his blog, I began to realize that it would be a good idea to keep a camera with me at all times in case anything interesting presented itself. I dug the camera back out of the closet and started taking it with me.

Since then, I have become more and more interested in taking photos. I am starting to read up on the subject and have visited many websites and blogs of amateur and professional photographers. I've seen some really good stuff, but for the most part, nothing that I thought was much better than the shots I was already taking.

Then I came across Will Yurman's site. I was amazed and humbled. After looking through his work, I realize I'm not even close to knowing what I'm doing.

Here are some of my favorites of his 2007 collection:

"At the Spa"-Jan 10. The look on her face. Is it surprise? Annoyance?

"Burying a Friend"-Jan 13. The white gloved hand gently placing the white/blue flower on his friend's casket belies the toughness the tattoo and leather jacket portray.

"Serena"-Jan 24. This one breaks my heart. I don't know what happend to her, but as a father it makes me ache to look at it. It's not her broken arm, or mangled little face or even what I think is a tube in her throat, but the look in her left eye that makes me weep. It seems to be the look of total fear despite all the hands of comfort. I hope I'm wrong.

"Me Me Me Me and Me"-March 10th. It's nice to see the face behind the camera but also I think it's interesting that even though each image is a reflection, they each seem to have a slightly different expression.

"Day of the Dogs" May 1st. I love the look on the corgi's face. At least I think that's a corgi on the left.

"Her Daddy's Funeral" May 15. Her tiny weeping face surrounded by a sea of people. With three words, the artist's perfectly named photo tells so much.

Any with his kids-Hey, I'm a dad. I'm a sucker for kids and his are especially cute.

I could keep going but please take a look for yourself.

Smooth

2007-05-16T20:36:00.000-04:00

I was doing a bit of internet shopping and I found this advertisment. Is it just me or is this guy a little too happy with his smoothie machine?

Happy Campers

2007-05-14T22:05:00.000-04:00

Yet another great weekend. I went camping with my kids, mom and brother. We only went for one night since my kids had never been before. I was a bit concerned if they would enjoy it so I didn't want to commit a whole weekend if things went bad. Everything went great though and we all had a blast. We roasted hot dogs, made s'mores and caught some trout.

Unfortunately I don't have any pictures to post since my wife went shopping in the car that had my camera. I'll get some shots next time though.

Blogger of the Caribbean part 5

2007-05-10T08:13:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since the last post about my vacation so I'll recap a bit. When I last posted we had finally boarded our ship and eaten for the first time in close to 24 hours (unless you count airline peanuts-yum). After eating we decided to take a look around.

I'm not going to bore you with details of the ship. It's a huge cruise ship (currently the largest in the world) with all the things you would expect a cruise ship would have. If you really want to know everything about the ship, just follow the above link or visit Royal Caribbean's website. They have a decent virtual tour available.

After a brief look around, it was announced that it was time for the lifeboat drill. The drill is a simple affair where an alarm is sounded and each person leaves their cabin wearing a life vest. You proceed to one of the lifeboat decks and stand around until they announce the drill is over. The worst part is the vest itself which is not very comfortable. Once the drill was over, the captain announced we would soon be underway.

My brother and I went to watch the boat leave port while everyone else headed back to their cabins to rest and wash up before dinner. We made our way to deck 12 and after watching the ship move out to sea took a relaxing stroll about the deck.

As we walked, I noticed a well dressed, elderly couple walking ahead of us. The man was using a cane and as we were about to overtake them I saw him suddenly lift his cane and appear to start dancing. It seemed very odd to me because not five seconds previously he gave the impression of being feeble and semi-crippled and now he was moving like Fred Astair. I figured he was being silly for his wife and continued to move past them. Now, I'm not the sharpest pencil in the box so it took a couple of seconds for me to realize the gentleman was not dancing, but was in fact in distress and about to fall. I turned and rushed back just in time to grab him before he hit the deck. I tried to salvage his dignity with a comment about the motion of the boat, but I realized he didn't speak English so I simply smiled, said goodbye and went to meet my wife and kids for dinner.

I mentioned earlier that the food at the Windjammer was, for the most part adequate, but I must say the meal experience was very enjoyable. Being able to leisurely eat and chat without having to worry about rushing out to soccer, karate or softball was a pleasant change of pace for us. The food itself was not bad, it just was not spectacular. Some things were quite delicious and I had the best iced tea I've ever had there. Mainly though, everything had a Leftovers taste which I really can't fault the restaurant for since that's pretty common at a buffet. Since our kids started to fall asleep in their food, we decided to turn in after dinner. The day had been long and we all needed rest.

The next day (Monday) was spent at sea so for the most part we spent our time lounging at the kids pool. Nothing really exciting or even interesting happened this day. Reading, eating ice cream, and swimming with the kids was our day.

We did eat our first meal in the main dining room and it was there that I finally experienced the reputation for excellent food that I so often heard about cruises.

After dinner we took in a magic show that was very entertaining and then decided to get to bed early. The next day our port of call was Cozumel, Mexico and we had a early excursion planned.

**********Edit Note**********

I've decided to abandon my vacation posts. At the rate I'm going it will take a year to finish and who really wants to hear that much about someone else's vacation?

D-Day Photos

2007-05-09T23:04:00.000-04:00

As promised, here are some of the photos my daughter took on our trip to the D-Day Memorial. She didn't take as many as I would have liked but that's my fault. After years of teaching her to conserve her shots with film cameras, I see I'm going to have to teach her that with a digital she can shoot to her hearts content.

These pictures only show a fraction of what is at the memorial. I hope to go back later in the summer and if I do, I'll get more photos.

Are you a nerd?

2007-05-09T08:14:00.000-04:00

I found this test on a forum I frequently visit. I have to admit I was a bit disappointed to be rated "Not Nerd". I've always thought of myself as a nerd. I play online games, I like Battlestar Galactica, I suck at sports, and I blog. What else does it take to be rated a nerd? Maybe the test is flawed. I guess now I'll have to turn in my pocket protector and taped glasses at the next meeting.

Run! Jeff! Run!

2007-05-08T15:24:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned in a earlier post, I'm planning a trip to my hometown, Danville. I want to see all my old haunts and visit with Scott who I haven't seen in over 20 years. I was checking out Danville's website when I noticed their annual Festival in the Park is this upcoming weekend.

Danville's Festival in the Park, when I lived there, was an important event. I always looked forward to it since it was the closest thing to a carnival we had. Food, art, crafts, games, and girls in their glorious spring clothes, it was a great time. My parents would drop me off in the morning and pick me up in the late afternoon.

I remember one festival in particular when I was about ten. My brother and I were exploring the festival together. The park where it was held was fairly large.The festival itself was limited to only half of the park, with the other half mostly empty except for children playing, and teenagers looking for a place to smoke, drink or make out.

My brother and I were exploring the empty half when we came upon a cliff that dropped about forty feet from the park into some woods. There were grassy ramps on either side of the cliff that led down into the wooded area at the bottom.

We went down to the base of the cliff and were messing around in the woods when I felt something hit me painfully on the top of my head. I looked up at the top of the cliff and there were three teenagers much larger than either my brother or myself who were throwing rocks at us. I can still remember the look of evil glee on their faces as they continued to pelt us. My brother yelled up at them an insult which I wish I could remember but can't. I do remember it was hilarious and the look of evil glee on their faces was replaced by bestial rage.

They charged down one of the grassy ramps toward us and my brother, whether in a fit of genius or blind fear I'll never know, ran us up the other. The end result was that we traded places with our enemy. They were now at the base of the cliff frantically searching for us, while we were on top looking down on them.

If we had been smart, we would have left then and there but we could not resist a bit of revenge. We scooped up large handfuls of rock that we threw down on them as hard as we could. We scored several hits and at first they tried to return fire, but we held the high ground and with gravity on our side we had the advantage. I saw in their faces the bestial rage change to murderous fury. They gave up throwing rocks and charged back up the ramp at us.

Again my brother and I ran down the opposite ramp to the base of the cliff, only this time instead of stopping at the bottom we fled into the wood. We ran as fast as we could, knowing that if caught, we would have been beaten horribly (if not worse). On and on we ran, branches clawing at our faces and arms, until we were completely exhausted. When we stopped, we looked back and there was no sign of them. We sat there in the woods for about a half hour, then made our way (by a different path) back to the festival. We were a little afraid we may have run into them in the festival but we never saw them again.

Lets try this again...

2007-05-07T11:46:00.000-04:00

This is my second attempt at posting about my weekend. I was just about at the end of my first attempt and my computer crashed-ugh!.

Once again, it was a good weekend. Each year I pledge to myself that I'm not going to waste the spring and summer watching television or in front of the computer. So far, this has been the first year I've done it.

Friday was Late Night at my kids daycare which is a monthly event where they keep the kids till 11:00pm. The kids love it since they get to do loads of fun stuff and my wife and I love it since we get to do loads of fun stuff sans kids.

Typically we hit the movies or dinner. We ruled out the movies since my wife was not in the mood to deal with the Loud Talkers, Seat Kickers, and Noisy Snackers. We ruled out the dinner since I was not in a mood to pay $40.00 for a meal at a cookie cutter Thank God It's Ruby Tuesdays In The Olive Garden of Appleby's. I prefer to experiment with locally owned food establishments but my wife was not feeling adventurous.

In the end we ended up bowing before the consumer gods of Target, followed by a side trip to Blockbuster for a movie. My wife rented Turistas which held zero appeal to me, so she watched it in our bedroom while I messed around on the computer till time to pick the kids up.

Saturday was house work and yard work day. About the most exciting thing that happened was I ran out of string for my string trimmer so I won't bore you with details. The weather was nice though and I got some much needed exercise. My daughter also had a softball double header and was allowed to play her favorite position(catcher) during the second game. She did great and I think she impressed the coach enough that hopefully she will get to play it more often. After the game, it started to rain so i was glad I made the decision to cancel the camping trip.

Sunday I decided to take the kids to Poplar Forest. The weather was great so I called my mom and brother who decided to go. My wife has been exceptionally grumpy lately, so I forbade her from joining us. I insisted she spend the day doing whatever she liked, as long as she didn't do any housework.

The trip to Poplar Forest actually turned into a trip to the D-Day memorial. We stopped at a welcome center for directions to Poplar Forest and found out that we would only have fifteen minutes to tour the house before it closed. We then found out that the D-Day memorial was closer and open later, so off to the memorial we went.

The D-Day memorial is located near the small town of Bedford, Va. The site was chosen since more D-Day participants from Bedford died than anywhere else in the country. It draws visitors from all over the world, and with good reason. It is an amazing site. It's much larger than I thought and a great deal of thought obviously went into it's design.

I have some pictures I'll post later but I haven't had a chance to look them over. As a treat to my daughter I gave her full control of the camera. She seems to have a natural gift for photography (at least to me) and I'm trying to encourage it.

Weekend Plans

2007-05-04T23:21:00.000-04:00

My plans to go camping this weekend are a bust. It seems the weather gods have conspired to keep me out of the woods. Maybe next weekend. I haven't broke the news to the kids yet since I know how disappointed they will be. I'm trying to think of an alternative to help soften the blow. I'm considering a day trip to Poplar Forest and the D-Day Memorial.

Ever since my daughter studied Thomas Jefferson in school she has been wanting to take a trip to Monticello. It's not that far from here but Monticello offers a family tour starting in June that I feel the kids would enjoy more. So as an alternative I think she would enjoy seeing his other house.

I also want to head to Danville to catch up with my best friend from junior high who until recently I had lost touch with when I moved to Roanoke. Too many social engagements...too little time.

Finally, for those interested, I haven't forgot about my Blogger of the Caribbean series. I've just been too busy lately to get it posted.

Zombies are everywhere....

2007-05-02T22:00:00.000-04:00

A few months ago I read Max Brook's World War Z. It's the story of a world wide zombie outbreak told from the point of view of the survivors. I thoroughly enjoyed the book and would recommend it to anyone interested in the genre.

After completing WWZ, I decided to check out Brook's earlier work The Zombie Survival Guide. While WWZ would appeal to a broader audience, I would only recommend TZSG to zombie fans since it is not a straightforward narrative, but rather exactly what it's title suggests, which is a fictional guide to use in the event an undead outbreak were to occur. WWZ frequently makes references to TZSG.

I mention all this specifically because in TZSG, Brooks advises to be sure to check news reports daily. He advises to read deeper into the story because zombie attacks are whitewashed by different governments to appear to be something else entirely.

Now I find that when I read a news report, I am often looking for potential zombie outbreaks. Here is an example . Hmmmm....were those 51 villagers really casualties of collateral damage? Or is something more sinister at work here?

Note: please know I am not trying to cheapen or make light of those deaths. Its a tragedy to be sure. I also know they were not zombies wiped out and then made to look like civilian deaths. I just find it interesting how a work of fiction can bury itself so deep that it affects my perception.

Sunday Blues

2007-04-29T21:59:00.000-04:00

It's been a good day. I was able to sleep in a bit which with my children is not a common occurrence. I really have to thank my mom since she kept my son overnight. My son typically is an early riser no matter how late he was up the night before.

After waking, I decided to break out my camping gear. I plan on taking the demon spawn (aka my kids) camping next weekend. I haven't had the tent out in a while and wanted to make sure everything was in working order. It took me about an hour to get it set up and check for tears, holes, mildew and whatnot. Just about the time I confirmed everything was in good shape, my brother called to ask if I wanted to work on our project. What project you ask? Well let me tell you.

My brother and I have decided to create an online game. It's not going to be anything on a massive scale but something hopefully that will put a few extra bucks in our pockets. We spent a couple of hours hashing out some of the details and would have spent more, but I wanted to get up into the mountains and take some photos. I also wanted to check out the campground I planned for next weekend.

Roanoke city is set in a valley surrounded by the Blue Ridge Mountains . On one of these mountains, just off the Blue Ridge Parkway, is a small campground I have always wanted to try. It's nothing extravagant but it's close to home and is a good place for my children's first camping experience.

I grew up camping, both with my parents and as a boy scout. Some of my favorite memories are of times we spent in the woods. For those who have never experienced it, I can understand how it could be tough to see the attraction. With bugs, dirt, communal showers and usually no electricity, why would anyone sane intentionally put themselves in such a situation? It's something that has to be experienced to understand. There is something very peaceful about camping. The sounds of nature have an amazingly soothing effect. Whether it's a nearby brook winding it's way through the forest, or the birds, crickets or even the wind itself, it all combines into a symphony of the wood that brings in me a state of calm that I have found no where else.

So I packed the kids, my brother and my mom in my car and headed for the mountains. As I said, the campground is not to far from my house so it did not take long to reach. Unfortunately we found it closed, with a gate barring entrance onto the grounds. I was a bit surprised since most campgrounds are open by this time of year.

Not far from the campground is a nature center, so we headed there to see if we could get some information. The ranger there was very helpful and we found out that it will be another two weeks until it opens. So we decided rather than wait, we will go to another campground near Natural Bridge, Va that I have camped at previously. Not far from the nature center is a spot of interest known as Mill Mountain. Since the campground excursion didn't work out, we decided to take a quick trip there. The focal point of Mill Mountain is an enormous star. It's a massive structure of steel and neon. At night, it is lit and can be seen just about anywhere in the Roanoke valley.

It's quite a source of pride to most Roanokians but personally, I think it's a hideous eyesore. One advantage to the spot though are some pretty spectacular views of the valley.

Not far from the star are some nature trails. We chose one of the shorter ones and went for a brief walk in the woods. I opened a Flikr account and uploaded some photos for those who are interested.

Boring Day

2007-04-28T22:20:00.000-04:00

Mowed grass.
Cleaned house.
Took daughter to softball practice.
Took son to mom's to spend the night.
Took care of sick wife throughout day.

One would think there would have been something interesting to report in this action packed day but sadly no. I originally intended to save some time to spend a few hours in the mountains and get some wildlife photos. Maybe tomorrow.

Sick

2007-04-26T20:35:00.000-04:00

Well, the bug that seems to be bouncing about has landed on my poor wife. She is in bed making slurping and snuffling noises as I write this. If I didn't know better I would think there was a sleestak in our house.

She is full of soup and NyQuil and the kids are snug in their beds. Looks like another wild night for Jeff the partymeister. Maybe I'll catch up on my Battlestar Galacticas.

By the way, I blame my new friend Sherri for the illness that has invaded our home. I think by linking to her blog I allowed her disease into my house. Damned piece of crap anti-virus.

Blogger of the Caribbean Part 4

2007-04-25T21:24:00.000-04:00

We finally were aboard. We went to locate our stateroom, which fortunately was only one deck directly below where we boarded which was near the bow of the ship on the port side.

By the way, for those who have a hard time remembering which is port and which is starboard here is a easy way to keep it straight. The word port and the word left each have the same number of letters. Therefore, facing the bow (front) of the ship, port is the left side of the boat and starboard the right side.

The room itself, while small, was cozy.

Yes, that's yours truly with my son. During the day, the pullman beds would be raised into the ceiling to allow for a bit more room. There was also a small sitting area (where my daughter, who is taking the picture is standing) that included a small sofa and a desk. Behind the sitting area, near the entrance was the bathroom which was small but adequate. Unfortunately I didn't take as many pictures of our cabin as I should have but this gives a fairly good idea of our living quarters for the week.

After meeting back up with my mom and brother in their cabin, the first order of business was taking care of our empty stomachs. We made our way to what is called the Windjammer cafe which is a buffet style restaurant.

I have heard from many sources that the food on a cruise is the best to be had. We found the food here, for the most part, to be adequate as far as lunches and dinners went. Breakfast, on the other hand, was delicious.

Once our bellies were full, and everyone in a much better mood, we decided to have a look around the ship.

Say what?

2007-04-25T09:41:00.000-04:00

Every so often I tinker around with my blog profile. I was doing so today when I glanced at my Zodiac Year (I am a rooster) and remembered an anecdote from my childhood I felt worth sharing.

On my ninth birthday, I decided I wanted to try the only Chinese restaurant the small southern town I grew up in had available. It's name was Long River and to a nine year old boy, it seemed a place that would hold all the mysteries of the orient. It had an exotic look and smell that was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I imagined beautiful geisha girls serving the food to fierce samauri while dark ninja skulked in corners (never mind I was getting my countries mixed up, I was nine and didn't know the difference so gimme a break.)

Adding to its mystery was the fact that my dad constantly thwarted our efforts to visit Long River. Every time we brought the subject up, he would dismiss it with a comment such as "You wouldn't like it" or "It's not a place for kids". My brother and I had heard comments of this type before from my father, and since they were usually made in reference to adult things like alcohol, rated R movies and (gulp!) pornography, we could only imagine the debauchery that took place behind those red doors.

But I had played the birthday card. The rule was hard and fast. My dad made a few feeble attempts to dissuade me but I held firm. I must admit I was more than a little surprised when he reluctantly agreed.

I am pleased to say that, while there was none of the adventure or eroticism I had imagined, the meal was pretty much everything I thought it would be. The interior was even more exotic than the exterior. The tables were made of some type of black wood, polished to a high gloss. Colorful paper lanterns hung throughout and exotic eastern art was prolific. The food was unlike anything I had ever tasted before and since it was my birthday they owners brought us samples of many different types of dishes. It was a wonderful experience.

So how is this related to my blog profile and Zodiac year? Well, remember this was the late 70's and the country was going thru an astrology explosion. When the Chinese man who served us learned it was my birthday, he asked if I wanted to know my Chinese sign. I said yes and he asked the year I was born. I told him and he announced in his broken English, "You are a COCK!!!". Having a elderly Chinese man call me a cock was a little disconcerting. It was like having Master Po from Kung Fu curse at me,"You..grasshopper, are a world class prick...so sorry".After a second I realized what he meant.

All in all it was a great time though. I found out that my Dad was opposed to the place only because it was a bit pricey and he was a world class tightwad...so sorry.

Good Grief!!!

2007-04-24T22:00:00.000-04:00

So I'm setting up my Blogrolling preferences and I get to the I'm feeling lucky option. "Hey", I say to myself (I often hold conversations like this), "That's a cool feature. A link that hits random blogs! Groovy!" So I enable it, despite a warning that there is no control over content. Once it pops up in my links list I decide to give er a whirl and it links me to some blog with a title like "Peter's Milf Blog" complete with pictures and all. Holy hell! Now I like porn as much as the next guy but I plan on keeping at least a modicum of decency on my blog.

If any of my two (that's right baby, I have doubled my circulation) regulars or anyone else was linked to something offensive I apologize. I have since removed the option.

Now where did I put my latest issue of Chunky Asses.....

Weekend

2007-04-22T22:26:00.000-04:00

Well the weekend is almost over. Not a whole lot to report happened this weekend. I did buy a string trimmer and did a bit of yard work. My daughter had a scrimmage in softball and got a hit. This is quite an accomplishment since it was announced at the beginning of the season that her team is made up of the most inexperienced players in the league. I think I'll suggest to the coach they change their name from "The Hoo Crew" (don't ask me) to The Bad News Bears but I digress. I was very proud of my daughter (and told her many times) and not just because of her hit, but because I see real effort on her part this year (this is her third year in softball). In the past it was not at all unusual to see her in the outfield picking flowers or playing in the dirt. It always made me think of that great Pizza Hut Commercial, which has always been one of my favorites.

I did surprise my wife by managing to convince my mother to watch the kids today so I could take her to see Grindhouse. My wife is easily the biggest horror movie fan I have ever known. Her favorite are zombie films, but any horror film will do. Grindhouse is a rather clever movie that is actually two movies in one (Planet Terror and Deathproof), meant as an homage to the old exploitation flicks of the 60's and 70's. In order to capture the flavor of those old movies, the filmmakers intentionally scratched the film and include burns, skips and even missing reels (meaning the plot can jump forward whole minutes). The double feature is spliced together with a series of pseudo movie trailers such as Werewolf women of the SS, Don't, and Thanksgiving. All in all I really enjoyed both films. Planet Terror, directed by Robert Rodriguez is typical of his action heavy movies. Its the story of a town assaulted by zombies and is a pleasant mix of comedy, action and horror. Deathproof, directed by Quinton Tarantino is the story of a killer (Stuntman Mike) who uses his car as a weapon. Typical of Tarentino's films, Deathproof is dialogue heavy (75% talking, 25% action) which I usually don't mind since Tarantino's dialogue is so clever, but I wish he would have focused more on Stuntman Mike and less on the other characters. I don't want to give anything away so I'll stop here except to say that if you enjoy either director, or horror movies you should see this film. You won't be disappointed if you take it in the spirit intended and are able to suspend disbelief for a few hours.

Blogger of the Caribbean Part 3

2007-04-20T22:35:00.000-04:00

The port terminal for Royal Caribbean is nothing spectacular. The best way to describe it would be as a very large bank lobby. On one side there are the "tellers" behind a counter that runs the length of the room. The rest of the room is mainly open with a few seats and tables here and there. Behind the tellers, the wall is made of glass and we can see the ship we would soon be boarding (hopefully). On one end of the room is a roped off escalator that we assume leads to the ship.

There are only about 100 people here when we arrive so we are quickly processed via one of the tellers. We are each given a card (kids as well) printed with our names and other information. We are told it will act as our room key and form of payment while on the ship. It turns out they only accept cash in the Casino. All other purchases on board are to be made with the card key and will be deducted from a credit card we provided.

We are then told there is a problem. It seems immigration is having some trouble processing the disembarking of the previous passengers and we will have to wait before we can board. We find a comfortable spot in the Que that has already formed and wait. Its around 12:00 noon and by now everyone is in a foul mood that is exacerbated by the fact that we haven't eaten anything since the day before. We chat a bit with other passengers and my kids take the opportunity to take a nap. I can't resist taking a picture of my kids asleep so I get out my camera.

I take two pictures when I notice a very large and angry looking black man wearing a uniform and a badge rushing toward me. From his urgency I look behind me expecting to see Osama Bin Ladin brandishing an AK-47 but I quickly realize I am his target. "No pictures!" he says with a Jamaican accent. Not wanting to be hauled off to Royal Caribbean jail I apologize for my transgression and put my camera away. I still don't understand why they don't allow pictures of their terminal but I suppose it has something to do with security. My mom speculated that Royal Caribbean didn't want pictures of the passengers looking like refugees making it to the Internet and I immediately wished I had been able to get a few more shots of the terminal before Deputy Dog had stopped me.

Something you should know about me is that I am a people watcher. People fascinate me, especially people in stressful situations. Every Christmas Eve I head to the mall just to watch the mayhem. So while the rest of my family was spending their time waiting by pretty much complaining about everything, I spent mine watching the people around me. It was obvious there was a large amount of foreigners we would be sharing the ship with. I was immensely fascinated with watching a German family slowly inch their way into the middle of the line. Despite the fact there were about six of them they were amazingly skillful in easing their way in between our family and the family behind us without notice. Where they made their fatal mistake was that once they had secured a spot behind us, they then decided to try improve their position further by passing us. Where I am a people watcher, my wife is a people hater. I should amend that. She is a rude people hater. The first time the Germans made a move past us my wife stepped forward and exclaimed to no one in particular "You know, there is a line!" The Germans at Nuremberg stood a better chance than this group versus my wife. They recognized they were in the face of a superior foe and immediately gave up their assault.

Shortly after this exchange, it was announced we could board the ship. We grabbed our things and made our way to the escalators. At the top of the escalators we had to put our key card into a machine. Each time a card was entered, an electronic "ding" would signal success (while a "Clang" indicted failure) and the person would move forward. Our group passed through and began moving to the gangplank that led to the ship. As I was walking, behind me I heard a harsh "clang" and turned to see that the Germans cards were being rejected for some reason. They were informed they would have to go back to the tellers to correct the problem. This meant going to the very back of the line. I guess there is such a thing as karma after all.